


I was never the hero but that doesn't mean I wasn't brave

by chiapslock



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: DogTrainer!Keith, M/M, Military!Shiro, PTSD, Shiro suffers PTSD, Therapy, modern!AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2018-09-27 17:25:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10036124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiapslock/pseuds/chiapslock
Summary: Not all of Shiro comes back from the war, and he's not talking about his arm. He doesn't think he can do much, but then his therapist convinces him he should take a service dog.[A Modern!AU with a Shiro that has PTSD and how Black, a service dog, helps him get better. There's also love and friendship, but really, it's the dog]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SO I wanted to post this yesterday for Shiro's birthday, because nothing screams Happy Birthday like a story about PTSD and depression, RIGHT?  
> Alas here we are.  
> I hope you like this first chapter, I would like to say that I have this story already mapped out... but this whole fic was supposed to be 5K and yet...

Shiro wakes up and that already feels like a struggle, so he sighs. It’s going to be one of _those_ days, the ones that feel like he has the weight of the world on his shoulder and he just can’t shake it off.

They happen sometimes, he doesn’t like to think about them when they are over, like a recurring nightmare that disappears the moment morning comes. Only to come back, time and time again.

He wonders if, maybe, today is the day he decides to stay home. He doesn’t really have to do anything. Allura has an appointment today and she had to cancel their daily lunch, he still hasn’t find a job (he admits that maybe he isn’t looking very hard) and there isn’t anyone that would even _notice_ if he just decided to take a break.

Shiro thinks he deserves a break.

It’s a dangerous way of thinking, he knows that, he remembers all of his evaluations, what the psychologist had told him about adjusting to civilian life. He had wanted to laugh in her face, but it wouldn’t have been fair.

Civilian life isn’t the problem, God, it’s… everything else. But if he had talked about it, if he had let her _see_ , he knows she would have recommended weekly appointments, if not more, and Shiro had wanted _out_.

So here he is, in his two room apartment – the only thing he can afford – trying to understand why he should get out of bed.

Shiro isn’t stupid, he knows that he’s going down a rough patch, that the fact that he’s even _thinking_ about staying in bed isn’t good. But there’s nothing he can do, no magical switch that transforms the knowledge that he _should_ get up into an actual incentive.

He just doesn’t care.

His cellphone chirps on his bedside table and for a second he thinks about ignoring it, it probably isn’t anything important, but his curiosity wins in the end.

There’s a new message from Allura that reads **I’m sorry, I don’t know who else to ask! Could you please go and pick up my laundry? The cleaner just called to remind me but I’m stuck in this meeting all day**.

Shiro is sure that, if Allura just explained, the cleaner would just tell her that he understood and that it could keep another day. It was the most candid attempt at being subtle he had ever seen, but Allura had never been one for subtle gestures.

She was much more straightforward than manipulative, even to the point of exaggerating. She never sugarcoated much, and the knowledge that maybe he was that far off that Allura thought he deserved this farce made his mood even worse.

At the same time… this is a reminder that someone, who even knows why, still cares about him. For today it’s enough.

So he writes back **I know what you’re doing** and then adds, because it needs to be said **thanks**.

 

He goes to pick Allura’s laundry and goes back to her place. She always leaves her spare key in the same place and Shiro has told her to move them so many times, it’s not _safe_.

Her house is much nicer than his, perks of being an heiress he guesses, and he thinks for a second that maybe he could stay here for today. The light is better here than at his house and he _needs_ something good.

But he doesn’t want to abuse Allura’s hospitality, even if she would tell him to just relax. He really doesn’t know why she still cares so much about him, they had split up after high school, because they had agreed it was the best thing for _both_ of them and now, ten years later, Shiro is just a dead weight in her life.

Literally, considering his arm.

So he picks up a note, writes a quick smiley face on it and leaves. She does already too much for him, he doesn’t want her to worry more. He can go to the park or maybe go to a shop, he probably needs groceries.

He starts walking down the road and thinking about what he _could_ do now that he’s outside, but he looks around and something just _shifts_. There aren’t that many people around, but there are enough. He feels like they are all staring at him, wondering what he’s doing, and maybe they really are, after all what does he look like with that stump for an arm?

This is a good neighborhood, and he is… he thinks that maybe he hasn’t shaved in a while, it was compulsory in the military and he just can’t muster the energy to do it now. He looks unkempt and _damaged_ and everyone can see it.

He goes home, trying not to hyperventilate and being hyperaware of everyone that he encounters. He checks for guns with his eyes, unable to stop himself, walks in the shadows, trying to hide from snipers that aren’t there. He feels vulnerable and he just… this is too much. He has already done enough today, right?

When he gets home he locks his door three times and he closes his windows. He doesn’t want light now, he just wants to stay alone for a while.

He got up, it’s enough. _It’s enough_.

 

The next day he toys with the idea of cancelling his lunch with Allura, but this would put her on high alert. He doesn’t have the strength to manage a worried Allura, so he gets up and does his morning routine.

He decides to skip the abdominals, it’s not like he _needs_ the muscles anymore, and just puts on some pants and a shirt. He also shaves, remembering how he felt the previous day.

It still doesn’t make him feel like _himself_ or less _broken_ , but it _does_ make him feel better, and right now it feels like a victory.

They always go to lunch in the same restaurant and the same table, with Shiro’s back firmly to the wall and away from the window. Allura had picked it, knowing that Shiro would have never asked it, and he’s grateful for it. It’s in the long long long list.

“Thank you for yesterday” Allura says, smiling “you saved me”

Shiro raises an eyebrow, letting her know that he didn’t believe her one bit, but then he smiles “Yeah, that’s what I do. Military and all. I have _medals_ to prove it”

Allura laughs and it feels comfortable, it makes him feel a little more like himself, even if he can’t order anything that has to be cut because he doesn’t want to _ask_. It’s pleasant…

Until someone in the kitchen drops a plate and it shatters with a deafening sound. Shiro flinches and _tries_ not to think about bombs or war or…

Allura tries to touch him, but Shiro reels back so violently he hits his head on the wall. It hurts, but it also helps him regain some of his focus.

Everyone is looking at them, he’s making a scene in their eyes, maybe, but… oh God he can’t breathe.

“Shiro…” Allura tries, but he can’t.

“I’m sorry” he says, because he _is_ , because she doesn’t deserve him, doesn’t deserve _this_ , and then he runs away.

It takes twenty minutes by foot to his house and Shiro runs all the way without stopping for breath even if he feels his lungs on fire. Adrenaline courses through his veins like poison and he just can’t shake the idea that someone is following him, that someone is coming.

He has flashbacks of bombs and war and blood.

It’s a terrible thing when you know your mind is betraying you but it feels so real, and you feel hopeless to the attack.

When he gets home he crumbles to the floor, thankful that the windows are shut and he doesn’t have to worry about them too.

Allura is calling him incessantly, he can hear his phone vibrating in his pocket, but he can’t answer. He can’t do anything more.

 

**5 missed calls**

**10 unopened messages**

**From: Allura**

[1:20 pm] Shiro? Are you alright? Please pick up the phone

[1:25 pm] Please, Shiro please! Let me know

[1:40 pm] I’m coming to your house and you better open up or I’ll have to kick your door open

[2:03 pm] I’m outside. I know you hear me knocking

[2:15 pm] Your neighbors are kind of scared. And I’m sure they are serial killers, so open up. I’ve been talking to myself for ten minutes straight.

[2:20 pm] I love you, you know that right?

[2:21 pm] I’m going to start writing what I’m saying, in case you actually can’t hear me. So if you can hear me and don’t want to make my finger super tired just knock once.

[2:30 pm] Okay then. Do you remember our first date? I do, because it was a disaster. You’re the worst, Takashi Shirogane, taking me to a _wrestling match_. And, yeah okay, I love wrestling but I had a skirt and heels, it wasn’t the proper attire. It meant so much to me, that you didn’t find it strange that I liked those kind of stuff.

[2:34 pm] You are important to me, Takashi.

[2:50 pm] I think someone has actually called the cops.

Shiro opens the door then, even if he _knows_ that no one has actually called the police (3B is a drug dealer and 3C is just… creepy) but he feels better now, more in control and Allura doesn’t deserve to stay outside, trembling.

He could hear her, of course he could, but it was a foreign voice, too far away to actually grasp it.

Allura looks up at him and Shiro can see her red eyes, the quickly wiped tears. He really is the worst.

“I love you too” he says, because it’s the only thing he can offer.

She smiles but it’s a sad smile, much kinder than he deserves, and stands up, quickly entering his apartment, maybe scared that he’s going to lock her outside again. She knows him well. He still feels shaky, like he could explode any second, and he doesn’t want her caught in the blast.

Shiro sighs and closes the door, while Allura busies herself with making the place looks decent. There’s probably a lot of dust, and even when she opens the windows the place looks dark, haunted. He feels like a ghost most days, so it feels appropriate.

She stops and looks at him for a second, he recognizes that look, it was the same she had when they broke up, the same she had when they saw each other again after… after.

It’s the look she gives when she’s going to say something you won’t like but that you have to hear. Always with the tough love.

“You have to go to a psychiatrist” she tells him, and it’s nothing that Shiro hadn’t expected. It doesn’t mean he’s going to do it, just that he knew it was coming.

But before he can say anything she comes closer “No, listen to me, please. You’re killing yourself. If someone of your squadron was living like this, you would tell them the same thing I’m telling you! So why?”

“It couldn’t help me” he only says, but Allura isn’t one to just give up.

“Yes it would! You just don’t want to be helped!” she’s screaming now, and she’s probably going to cry very soon. He doesn’t know what to do, this is too much, he’s tired and he feels so exhausted. He doesn’t need this. “God, stop giving me that faraway look, Shiro! This is your life, and you’re throwing it away! Do you think Ma-“

“Shut up!” he screams, stopping her, frantic. He can’t… not now… he has already had an episode today, he doesn’t want to have another, he physically can’t. “Shut up” he repeats, quieter.

She doesn’t continue, mercifully, but it seems to hurt her even more. He can’t do nothing right today, or maybe ever. God.

“Is this about Katie?” she says then, changing tactics. Never letting go, Allura’s life motto.

“She was right” he says then, because whatever. _Whatever._ Allura want to know? He’s going to tell her. “She was right. I _don’t_ deserve to be here. One year hostage of the enemy and the things I’ve done, the things they had me do… I know she’s sorry now. She called me a thousand times, but _she wasn’t wrong_ ”

Allura looks like he has just punched her and that’s exactly why he didn’t want to say anything. Why he didn’t want to open the door or let her in or… or just come back.

“Oh Shiro” she whispers, asking for _something_. Shiro doesn’t feel like he has anything else to give.

“Just promise me you’ll think about him. My uncle… he’s good. I already talked about you. He just…” she tries again, and she sound sad and defeated.

She deserves better.

“I’ll try” he says, but he doesn’t mean it.

 

He doesn’t think about it the day after, when he tells Allura he can’t go to lunch and she just lets him get away with it without protesting. He doesn’t think about it two days later, when he doesn’t get out of bed for the entire day.

Shiro thinks about it one week later, when he has nothing left inside his apartment and he has to go and buy some groceries. It feels like the worst thing imaginable, like going to Iraq all over again.

It’s absurd, because the store is five minutes away from his house, and Shiro know those streets like the back of his hand. Today everything seems different. The street, the lamp, the dark corner far in the back.

It all feels like too much.

He pushes through, because he has to, because he can’t be that far gone that _groceries_ beat him.

Shiro makes it, and it shouldn’t be such a big deal, but it is.  He’s pathetic.

He just has to buy some bread and some meat and then he can go back home, maybe find some kind of service that will _send_ him the groceries next time. He can always starve, that seems like a promising option.

And then, then someone touches him. Shiro has never had a problem with being touched, quite the contrary, everyone had always told him that he was too much of a dog, always ready to get petted. He’s a tactile person, always was, but now this stranger touches his arm and Shiro _almost punches her_.

He stops himself just in time, but he can recognize a fighting stance when he _makes one_ , and his muscles flex, ready to strike. Even with just one arm, thanks to his training, he could do serious damage to a civilian.

“You dropped your keys” the woman says, surprised, and she doesn’t know, she doesn’t know what Shiro almost did.

He thinks he thanks her, but he can’t be sure. The world pass in front of him like a blur. He buys what he has to, but he doesn’t remember doing it. He goes home, but he doesn’t really realize it until he’s in front of the mirror and he’s crying.

He’s crying and he can’t really stop.

Is this what shock feels like? Because someone touched him without him realizing?

That night he calls Allura.

 

Coran’s study is… strange. The other psychologist he had gone to was a firm believer in calming environment and warm colors. He remembers a lot of _wood_ and blue.

Coran’s waiting room feels more like a spaceship than anything else. Every piece of furniture is super modern and minimalistic, it feels more vibrant in a way, like it’s supposed to make you feel more alive.

It isn’t really working, mind you, but he guesses it’s better than mahogany.

He only has to wait ten minutes before Coran beckons him inside, but it’s mostly because Shiro arrived early. He’s nervous, but it’s probably a good thing.

Allura’s uncle smiles at him and Shiro recognizes his body language, he’s evidently trying to make himself look as non-threatening as possible. He wonders how much Allura as said about him, how crazy this man thinks he is.

Probably a lot, God.

“So, as you know I know Allura, and I’m not going to pretend that she hasn’t talked me about you, son” he says, still smiling, “but I don’t like to start with preconceived notions, so I’m going to forget everything Allura has ever told me, okay?”

Shiro nods, because what else can he do?

“Perfect! Oh and also? I want to make perfectly clear that whatever you tell me won’t ever be heard by anyone else. I won’t say anything to Allura, it doesn’t matter how stubborn she gets” he jokes, and he’s trying to make him feel comfortable. It’s his work and he’s good at it.

It doesn’t mean that Shiro doesn’t appreciate the effort.

“Thank you,” he says then “one year taken hostage and Allura is still one of the things that scares me the most”

It’s not one of his best jokes, a little bit to the dark side, maybe, but it makes him feel better joking about it. Coran laughs like he hasn’t said anything strange.

“She’s a real force of nature that girl!” and it’s going a lot better than what Shiro had envisioned, but nothing this good can last. “So,” Coran starts, “what do we want to talk about?”

Shiro looks at him, tries to think of something, something that isn’t _I could have punched a woman in the face two days ago and that scares me_.

He settles for “I don’t know”. Has he already failed this whole therapy thing?

“Well, that’s alright” Coran says, nodding “quite normal really.  “Since this is the first time why don’t we start a little lightly? Why don’t you tell me about your family?”

He hasn’t thought about them in a long time, not since the army. So he settles in and he tells Coran about his father, the hardworking man he remembers from his youth, and his mother, a little bit on the strict side, but always there for him when he needed a hand. They had both died before he had reached his twenties, and even if it hurts they had been old and they had gone quietly, without suffering.

He now knows what a luxury it is.

Coran lets him talk, he interrupts scarcely and only to add some funny comment or to insert some anecdote from _his_ childhood. All in all it feels a lot more like a friendly chat than a therapy session.

When the hour is up the other man looks at him and smiles “Same time next week?”

Shiro doesn’t even hesitate much before nodding.

 

One month later, four sessions in, they are talking about Shiro’s routine (the exercises and the diet that he tries to stay on, because he doesn’t want to let himself go just because he doesn’t have all of his limbs anymore) when Coran nods and says, out of the blue “I’ve actually been thinking about something”

Shiro stops and listens, surprised.

“You see, it seems to me that you struggle a lot to find a reason to wake up in the morning” he says, as kindly as he can. Shiro isn’t offended, it’s true, and even if lately he has been trying a lot more there have been some days when he just… stayed there.

Those were the days when Allura would go to him in the evenings to just sit by him. He owes so much to her.

“It feels to me that what you might need is… something to take care of. Allura has told me you give your best when you are responsible for someone else’s well being” He blushes lightly with shame. He isn’t as good as they paint him, after all the whole Holt family is probably dead because of him and here he is…

“I…” he tries, but Coran doesn’t let him finish.

“I took the liberty of asking in your name to require a service dog to accompany you in your recovery and the process was accepted” Shiro looks at him, surprised, because he thinks it takes a while to have all of that ready and…

“You said, the first day, that you would try to not let yourself be influenced by what Allura told you… and yet you had already asked for the dog?” because there can’t be any other explanation, really.

Coran smiles, a little bit ashamed, but not sorry in the least. Shiro appreciates it, in a way, it means that, just like his niece, Coran isn’t afraid to do what he has to. Perseverance and stubbornness are qualities that Shiro appreciates, even if they are often used against him.

“I really think it would help you, my boy” Coran tells him, and Shiro, that’s been trying to find a way out of this pit thinks: _why not_.

 

 

The center Coran recommends is called _Voltron_ (what a ridiculous name) and it takes two autobuses to get there from Shiro’s apartment. It’s a little too far away, and the entire bus ride he feels itchy, ready to jump out of his skin. It isn’t a good sign, probably.

He knows he has an appointment, but he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, he feels out of place, and he thinks for a moment about going back. He could call Coran, tell him he realized he couldn’t take care of a _dog_ (it’s too much of a responsibility, maybe he could start with a hamster?) when someone calls him.

Shiro looks up, startled, and he hopes he isn’t having an episode. He has been good lately, but he also hasn’t gone out of his comfort zone much, so it probably means less than it should.

“Hello” the person says, coming to him, he’s smiling and he seems like a kind person, but Shiro can’t really look him in the eye “I’m Hunk! You must be Shiro, right? Are you alone?”

Is it strange? Should he have called Allura? He doesn’t know what the etiquette is in these cases, he had just thought that he could do _this much_. He was wrong, evidently, and he feels ashamed.

He takes a second before saying “Yes” and it’s as much as he can say, he hopes it’s enough.

Hunk doesn’t seem bothered and just keeps talking, calmly. Shiro realizes too late that he’s probably trained for this, that this is literally a center for people like him, and that they offer a service to help with that.

It makes him feel better and worse at the same time.

“Well dude, that’s okay. Have they talked you about all of this? Let you know how having a service dog works?” Hunk continues and Shiro shakes his head. He has done a lot of researched lately, so he thinks he knows some, but he doesn’t feel like talking and explaining.

Hunk seems comfortable talking anyway and his voice makes him feel better. The trainer explains to him that they raise and train their dogs with the exact purpose of helping veterans, that they are mostly independents, but still _dogs_ , so they make messes and they sometimes act silly (“but that’s the best part!”). And the more the other talks the better Shiro feels, until he can breathe again.

“I’m sorry” he says when he feels better “I…” he tries, because it feels like something he _should_ apologize for, but the other man just waves his hand.

“No, I get it” he reassures him, and then his smile gets a little sadder “my dad he was… yeah, that’s the reason why I work here. So you don’t have to be _anything_ ”

It feels like a permission that Shiro doesn’t want. He’s here because he wants to try and be better than this, even if he doesn’t deserve it, even if maybe it’s the wrong thing to do.

So he shakes his head and squares his shoulder “Thank you, but… I’m good now”. He’s not, not so close to an almost episode, but Hunk doesn’t call his bluff. He’s incredibly grateful for that.

“Okay dude, then are you ready to meet Black?” he asks excited “She’s in the back with Keith”

He doesn’t know who Keith is, another trainer? Another dog? But he nods anyway. Hunk begins walking and Shiro follows him, trying to not be _too_ obvious in trying to map the place (there are a lot of emergency exits, he can appreciate that, even if there are also a lot of uncovered areas).

“You will recognize Black because she will be the friendly one” Hunk continues, laughing “Keith only likes animals. Or at least that’s what he wants us all to believe. He’s a softie”

There’s a door that leads to the outside and there he sees a boy (he seems younger, but he’s not sure, he’s not all that focused on him) and then he sees the dog, _Black_.

He doesn’t know what kind of breed the dog is, but she is beautiful, and she’s looking at them with interest before trotting over to Shiro. He doesn’t know why she does it, after all she doesn’t know he’s going to be her new owner, but she just sits in front of him and _looks_ straight in his eyes with the most ridiculous expression he has ever seen.

She has her tongue dropping on one size and she’s panting slightly.

Shiro feels better immediately and he crouches down, pats her head, and feels accomplished when she pushes more into his hand.

“She can probably feel that you’re anxious” comes a new voice and Shiro realizes that it’s the other boy, Keith. He’s looking at them strangely, like someone who’s proud – of the dog, right.

He looks back at Black and thinks about what he has read, about how service dogs act to reduce the stress and the stimuli for the owners, and he can see how it works now.

Shiro still isn’t sure about this, how he can take care of another living thing when most days he can’t even take care of himself. God, he probably doesn’t have any groceries at home.

“So” Hunk says, and he doesn’t raise his voice, probably not to startle him “her name is Black, she’s an Australian Shepherd, and she’s going to be your service dog. We usually recommend coming here at least once a month with her, just to see how it’s going, but we also have weekly… you can call them classes”

“It’s therapy” Keith interjects, with a bored tone. Shiro appreciates the honesty, Hunk a little less.

“Yes, _thanks Keith_ , whatever. We just like to have people with similar experience interact, and it’s good for the dogs, so when you want to come it’s… you’re welcome” Hunk concludes, and Shiro looks at these people, and smiles.

“God, other people as messed up as me? I don’t know, seems like a party” he jokes, and it takes them by surprise. He wonders how he looks, probably shaky, maybe a little pale, not like someone who jokes about war.

He lives to surprise. Also it makes him feel better, destabilizing them like this, he feels less judged. Like he still has some control over himself.

Keith is the first to recover and the grin he sends Shiro’s way actually feels like approval. Well, at least his dog’s trainer thinks he’s handling his craziness well.

Which brings him back to the current freak out… He has a dog and he’s not sure what to do with her. Fortunately, before sending him on his way, Hunk and Keith take some time to explain to him how this all works, they make him sit down while he pets Black and just talk to him.

They tell him what Black usually eats, that she has been trained to fit into his routine, that she’s just like a normal dog under the whole training, but she can do things for him if he just tells her to. She can apparently check places for intruders, she’s trained to recognize increase in stress levels and panic attacks and act to bring him back from them.

She’s trained to bring stuff to him, search for things he can’t find (like keys, or pills if he uses them) and just try to make his life as easy as possible.

Shiro listens, nods at all the right places, and when they are done and they ask him if he has any question the only thing he can say is “How do I make her happy?”

Maybe it’s a stupid thing to ask, because they are here because Shiro needs help, Black is practically a medicine, and he probably should have asked something more about how this all works, but it’s the only question swimming in his mind.

_How can he make her happy?_

Hunk and Keith look at each other, surprised again, and it’s Keith that answers this time “She’s a dog, she will be happy if you love her”

It seems easy the way he says it, like it’s something that should be ingrained into him, how to make someone feel loved. It used to be, probably, right now he wants to give Black back and say that he can’t do this.

He doesn’t think he can make anyone happy, haven’t they _heard?_ He’s a disaster. He’s sick. He let his squad…

“Shiro,” Hunk’s calm voice calls him back and he realizes that Black is licking his hand and shoving her face in it. She’s calling him, because he almost had _another_ episode.

God, this really _isn’t_ his day.

“Look” Hunk continues, kindly “just breathe and take it slow. One day at a time, eh? She really _is_ easy, but she’s also trained to take care of herself _and_ you”

Shiro looks at Hunk and then back at Black, that’s doing everything in her power to just lick him to death. It’s more slobbery than anything else, but it’s… no one but Allura had tried to do something for him in so very long.

He nods again, and Hunk smiles and goes to take all the appropriate documents (“We usually let the person meet his dog before boring them to dead with paperwork”).

Shiro is left alone with Black _and_ Keith, and he’s not sure who he fears more.

“You should… you know, calm down” Keith says, out of the blue.

“Well thanks, now that you’ve said it like that… It didn’t occur to me” he snaps, because he feels exposed here, in front of them. He’s fragile and he just wants to go home where it’s safe. Black wines and licks him even more. He didn’t think it was possible.

“What I’m trying to say,” Keith tries again, offended “is that if your first question is how to make the _dog_ happy, I don’t think you can screw it up that badly”

Shiro feels surprised for a second before reality comes crashing back. “You’d be surprised” he answers, because they might know something about his time in the military, but _not much_. They know what everyone knows, what’s written in his file, in his medal recommendation, but there is so much more.

When he leaves Voltron, one hour later, it’s with a reminder to come back any time and a schedule with all the meetings (“It really is therapy, but we mostly just play with the dogs”).

He promises he’ll think about it, but he doesn’t really want to.

 

When they arrive home, he feels exhausted. Black has been at his side all the way back, and they have stopped two times so that she could do her businesses.

She doesn’t seem like she misses Hunk and Keith, but what does he know about dogs?

Allura comes by in the evening with a lot of _stuff_ for Black, somethings he had asked to buy and others that make no sense. The worst thing is when she pulls out some towels to put on the floor, for Black, to use in case she has to pee.

Shiro knows immediately, even if his friend doesn’t say it, that she’s thinking that maybe someday he won’t feel like getting out of bed and Black will be left alone, unable to go outside. He feels shame curl inside him, so strong that he almost cries.

Allura touches his arm, gently “It’s going to be alright, okay? It’s going to be alright” she repeats, like a mantra, but he’s not so sure he believes her. Black tries to come between them and she starts to lick Shiro again.

Allura laughs and the moment passes. Black is very good at her job.

“I’m staying for dinner” she says, not even a little ashamed about inviting herself in. Shiro just smiles at her, tells her that’s alright, but he doesn’t think he has a lot.

They order pizza in the end and watch a movie, one that’s incredibly romantic and light. Even if both of them don’t really like them that much.

Shiro used to, but now… they just feel empty to him, Allura had always been more of a thriller fan.

“I’m proud of you” she tells him, when the main protagonist is caught in some stupid scheme to get the attention of the guy “I know it’s hard but I… I’m proud of you for what you have done”

“It doesn’t feel like enough” he tells her, honestly. Black is sleeping at their feet, and he wonders if she would wake up if he started crying. He hopes not. He doesn’t want to be responsible for that too.

“That’s because you always demand too much of yourself” she counters, but he doesn’t believe her. Being able to buy food for his new dog shouldn’t feel like an entire tour in Iraq.

Hugging his best friend should come natural, like it used to, and now Shiro wants to do it, but he can’t. He physically can’t.

It’s the worst feeling in the world.

They don’t say anything more, and when Allura goes home she hesitates before hugging him, but when she does he almost sags in her arms. “Thank you” he tells her, because he means it, because he’s probably alive only thanks to her.

It’s not something he wants to put on her shoulder, but she deserves to know that he appreciates all she has done for him, all she keeps doing.

“Don’t be daft,” Allura jokes, but he can hear the tremble in her voice, the way she hugs him tighter “I lost my virginity to you, we have a bond”

They laugh, because their first time was fucking terrible, like most are, and it’s still one of the memories he recalls more fondly.

She isn’t the love of his life, not in _that_ sense, but she might be the _friend_ of his life.

When he goes to bed, that night, Black follows him into the room, and she watches him for a while, but she doesn’t hop on the bed.

Shiro feels grateful for that, he doesn’t want to tell her to get down and he fears he would feel trapped. It still feels strange watching her on the floor, and he fears she might be uncomfortable there, but when he gets up to take the pillow Allura had bought and put it near the door Black refuses to move.

God she’s such a strange dog, but her presence makes him feel more secure than he has felt in a long long time.

He doesn’t know how much it will last, but for tonight it’s a start.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I! Thank you all for the kind words, I've yet to reply to all the comments - and I WILL DO IT - because it has been an hectic week. And now MORE ANGST BECAUSE WHY NOT.

The thing is, with Black, all is different. He could stay in bed all day, but then who would take her out? She has the little corner they had set up the night before, but it feels wrong.

She’s a living creature and she’s in his care and Shiro wouldn’t feel like a good owner if he let her just… pee in the house because he’s too scared or too tired or just too something to take her out. Good owners take their dogs out.

Shiro has always been better at taking care of others rather than himself.

So he gets a new mission for his days, be a good owner for Black. He takes her to the park, because dogs enjoy the park, he always sees them running, barking at nothing and just… being dogs.

Black doesn’t go running around, she doesn’t even bark at other dogs, she stays beside him, apparently, content to just… lay there and watch him. This doesn’t feel right either, but he just doesn’t know what to do.

He isn’t an animal expert, and she doesn’t seem unhappy, she just seems more of a guardian than a dog. It probably makes sense, she has been trained to be a companion for people suffering… well, what he suffers (one day he will have to call it with his proper name, but not today).

Oh God, this dog has more of a purpose than he has.

But… no. He still can be a good owner, this can still be the thing that gets him out of bed, he just has to readjust his expectation. Black is a dog, as well trained as she is, and he remembers them telling him that he had to release her from her responsibility if he wanted her to play, if he didn’t need her.

He doesn’t know how, it’s terrible. He doesn’t remember and he feels terrible for it.

And then he sees another person with his dog, throwing a ball around, playing fetch. It seems to be working, the dog is puffing and huffing and it seems happy.

He looks down at Black and she waves her tail a little. Right.

Shiro searches for a dog store for five minutes and when he finds one he buys one ball and he doesn’t even hesitate too much on the type. It feels good.

When he launches the ball and tells Black to go fetch and she starts running, like she had been waiting only for this, it feels better. It feels like maybe he isn’t a failure, like maybe he can actually do this.

She comes back and she’s wagging her tail, content and he smiles at her and tells she’s a good girl.

He doesn’t have much experience with animals, which is probably why this idea is just terrible. It’s just that, growing up, they could never afford one and then the army and then everything else.

So this is new to him, he hasn’t even had friend with dogs before. He hopes he doesn’t screw it up.

She seems to always be a little confused when he launches the ball, right before he tells her to fetch, like she wants to go, but she doesn’t want to leave him. So he starts saying it even before he launches the actual ball and, once, he feints and pretends to throw the ball when he doesn’t.

She seems confused for a second before looking at him like she has failed him – he might be projecting a little - so he throws the ball immediately after that and they keep going back and forth for a while. They stop only when Black is painting happily, her tail wagging like crazy, and she just sits on the grass, exhausted. Shiro feels the same way, even if he hasn’t done anything more than throwing the ball, but he has laughed more in these ten minutes than what feels like months.

Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea. He has been outside for more than he usually does and he doesn’t feel like running home. Maybe he can do this.

“We’re going to be fine, aren’t we, Black?” he asks, with a smile and she just looks at him happily (he realizes she’s a dog and they probably don’t have more emotions than happy, but he feels proud nonetheless).

He can do this.

 

He can’t do this. He really can’t.

He doesn't know why he thought he did, after all in the morning it was easy, it's now when it's dark and he has to walk Black that everything becomes harder. He doesn't like walking when it's dark outside, it makes him feel vulnerable, because if someone wants to sneak up on him it would be a lot easier, he wouldn't notice.

But Black has to go outside, she has to because he doesn't want to fail on the _first day_.

What kind of owner would he be?

His worries from this morning are combining and escalating and Shiro has never had a panic attack in his life, but he think they start like this.

Black is in the other room, but she somehow senses his distress and comes running, barking and generally being as loud as possible. Or maybe it just feels like that, because every single sound is jarring to his ears. God he's a fucking mess.

Black licks his hand again, and again, and she seems to like that, or maybe she thinks it's the safest place, that maybe his face would be too intrusive. She's a good dog. And he's going to let her pee inside the house.

He thinks that maybe Black will be the thing that forces him to accept Allura's invitation to go and live with her when his pride has refused categorically - he just can't be at that point in his life where going to live with his ex girlfriend is acceptable. But she would be a blessing now.

Maybe he could call her anyway, ask her to come.

Annoy her again.

He doesn't want to, he realizes, he really doesn't. And this is the first thing he feels, frustration with himself, guilt for everything he puts Allura through. It shakes him and it's what he needs, the knowledge that this road he's taking doesn't just affect himself, but hurts the people he cares about, makes him a nuisance to them.

He can't have that.

Black seems to have understood that he's calmer now and she seems less frantic, she's still pushing her snout to his hand, but it's less forceful, more comforting. She has stop barking too, thankfully.

He inspires, once, twice, and then he gets ready.

"Who wants to have a walk?" he asks and she looks confused for a second before she wags her tail and she jumps a little in joy. It's enough to lessen the tightness of his shoulder, to make him relax a little. This is the right thing to do, this is the reason why he has to move.

She is his responsibility and he will make her happy and, in the meantime, maybe he can figure out the way to make himself better too.

It's a work in progress, but he thinks that he has done a pretty good job for the first day.

 

 

Coran smiles at him in a kind way that he's starting to identify with the psychologist. It's not like he's always calm, in fact he has little bouts of enthusiasm when he tells a story that makes them more compelling to listen for Shiro.

He likes Coran and he doesn't even remember if he had said thank you to Allura for introducing them, he hopes so. Black is seated beside him, because Coran had insisted that they needed to have a session with her there.

It has been three days since she's been with him and Shiro had never forgot to walk her. He feels prouder than he should be, but at the same time he thinks that it's a progress that only two weeks ago would have been too much for him.

A part of it it’s thanks to Coran’s sessions, obviously, but a little bit is on him, his sense of responsibility making it easier to act, move. He knows, though, that it could be a bad thing too, it could bring back memories of Matt and everything that went down there and he isn't ready for that.

"So, my boy, how has it been? And she's beautiful" Coran says, to start the session. Shiro forces himself out of that memory and tries to stay in the moment.

"It's... it has been hard" he settles for, in the end. He has decided long ago that if he doesn't try to be honest in these sessions nothing good will come from them, after all.

"It's quite normal" Coran reassures him, with another smile, and Shiro just nods "can you tell me what are the things that make it hard?"

It's a loaded question, in a way, because yes of course there are _specific_ things, but it's mostly the entire situation, the thought of having someone else to be responsible for.

He's starting to love Black, but he's also starting to resent her a little. The limitation she poses to his life and the way she demands more attention that he sometimes can give to anyone.

She's not a spoiled dog, not even a little, and she usually just entertain herself, content to stay by his feet, or play with the toys Allura has bought her, but Shiro always feels guilty when an entire day passes without him even acknowledging her presence in this life.

They haven't gone to the park the past two days, because the first day had already been draining enough and he feels full.

Exhausted.

"I think the walks are the first thing that comes to mind" he replies, at the end, because everything else it's too complicated to explain, right now. Shiro couldn't find the right words and Coran would think that he hates Black.

He doesn't. He's just tired.

"Yes, three times a day" Coran says, nodding "quite different from your normal routine. Have you asked for help?"

Shiro feels like the other is asking even if he already knows the answer, after all the only person he could go for help is Allura and she probably has mentioned that he hasn't done anything of the sort.

"I... no" he replies anyway "I couldn't... it would feel wrong"

Coran thinks for a moment, the way he does when he's pondering the words to use next to make him understand better. "My boy, needing help isn't a weakness, it takes more strength to ask for help that to stubbornly go without it"

Shiro looks at the other, but he doesn't think that's true. Not really.

Allura has done so much for him already and, one day, if he just keeps pushing she will have to just push him back, say that she hasn't signed up for this much baggage.

Who has, truthfully?

But again, he doesn't know how to express this. He hasn't been the best person at sharing his emotion _before_ the war, now he's just tragic.

"Maybe... I could ask her in the evenings. When she gets out of work" he concedes, because he doesn't think Coran would let it go if he doesn't give away a little.

Coran seems satisfied with this and nods, enthusiastically.

"Yes! Good job Shiro! This experience can help you, but only if we don't let it consume you" he explains with a kind smile.

"Now, at the center they told me they have weekly meetings with some of their veterans and other PTSD sufferers and they told me they have extended an invitation to you. Are you going to go?" his psychologist asks, with a nonchalance that should be envied.

Shiro thinks for a second before shaking his head. He doesn't feel ready, he doesn't want to be judged because he's not taking good care of Black. He doesn't want them to look at him and think about what a failure he is.

"I think it would be good for you, my boy" Coran pushes, in a way he typically doesn't, happy to let him tackle things at his own speed. He doesn't know why this is different, why he's so invested.

He still doesn't want to go, doesn't want to relent.

"I don't want to" he repeats, and Coran is silent for a moment before sighing.

"Very well, but please do give it a thought?" and then he smiles again, like nothing has just happened.

"Now, why don't we talk about that funny story about you mom you were telling me last week?"

 

He thinks about it. He doesn't want to, but everything he says in his sessions always stay with him for a little longer, sticking to his skin and making him sluggish.

He still doesn't want to go, doesn't want to meet the other soldiers, hear their story. He doesn’t want them to tell him he's normal for suffering from this... disease.

He doesn't want to be normal, he wants to be cured and he doesn't think that they can help him find a way.

 _But_.

But Coran thinks that it would be good for him. But the trainers had said that it would be good for Black to have other dogs to interact with, other dogs with her training. And she might want to meet her trainers again, after all he thinks it takes a very strong bond to train a dog like this.

She's always so well behaved when she has her harness on. She sticks close to him, puts herself between him and the road, always makes a grand gesture when she's home, barking around and exploring the whole apartment.

Those are little things, but they do make it easier for him and maybe he still doesn't want to do this, but he can do it for her. He can do it to make her feel better, right?

God he hopes so.

 

The flyer with the dates and the times of the meeting sits in his hand while he looks at the entrance of the Voltron center and hesitates.

Black is by his side but he can see the way she's smelling around, probably recognizing where they are. She looks excited, but to be honest she had looked as excited yesterday when they had gone to buy groceries. She is easy, Hunk had been right.

But now he's here and he thinks it would be stupid to turn around only because he doesn't want to talk with other soldiers. They will all have terrible stories, and everyone seems to think that sharing something with these people will make him feel better, but he knows that it would only make it harder to ignore them.

They know the horrors he has lived, maybe not all of them, but enough that they could understand. And then? Then they would be miserable together, commiserating about something so terrible that has left their life a brittle thing in its wake.

He sighs, and sees someone with a dog come towards the center. Perfect, now everyone will see him just looking at the fucking door without moving.

The thing he doesn't expect is Black to start wagging her tail and the other dog to actually sprint towards Black, in haste.

"Woah, Blue baby, you have to calm down" the man says, while his dog - which Shiro isn't sure of the breed, one of those dogs used in races, he thinks - pushes against his collar. Black stays composed at his side, excited but acting like a service dog should.

He wonders how could a dog as hyperactive and insubordinate as Blue ever become a service dog.

When the two dogs are finally close Blue pushes his muzzle toward Black, sniffing around happily, and Black seems to hesitate only a second before joining in.

She doesn't have her harness so he thinks it's normal that she's going to act like a normal dog sooner or later.

"I'm sorry dude, it's just that they haven't meet in a while!" the man says, with a smile "so you're the one that got Black!"

He looks surprised, because he doesn't know why that's supposed to be important, or how this man knows about Black, but it would feel rude to ask.

"Yeah. I'm Shiro, nice to meet you" he responds instead, trying not to let his nervousness show, trying to act like he has any idea what he's doing.

"I'm Lance" the other man says, and he doesn't extend a hand, so he's probably used to dealing with a certain kind of problems, maybe he's sick as well. He doesn't seem sick, but maybe Shiro doesn't appear sick as well at a first glance, he really wouldn't know.

"Are you here for the meeting?" Lance asks again, smiling, and it seems stupid now to say no, so he simply nods. Lance doesn't seem bothered by this kind of one-sided conversation "Yeah I get it man, the first time can be rough. I mean, I don't really know, but everyone else says so"

Shiro looks at him surprised. So Lance isn't a patience?

It seems like Lance gets the question in his eyes and laughs, "I mean Blue comes from here, but my boyfriend is one of the trainers, so you know I have an ally in there, it's not as stressful"

Shiro nods, because he has thought that maybe he could have asked Allura to come, to have someone in his corner in case it became too much, but he has already asked her to walk Black in the evenings and it seems like too much to ask this of her too.

"Come on, I'm sure everyone wants to play with Black. And I swear to you I won't let anyone ambush you, all right?" Lance says, still smiling.

It's strange, because lately Shiro doesn't do well with energetic people, but right now Lance is making him relax.

He smiles as well, because he thinks he should reward him in a way, and nods "Thank you, it's very kind. I mean you think after three tours this would be easy but..."

"Yeah, PTSD sucks balls" and it's strange, hearing it said so simply. Yeah, _it does suck balls_.

They enter then, Lance talking about how Blue is always a little bit too excited for this things, but it seems to be good for the dogs, to be all around each other and let off some steam.

He nods, interested, until one of the trainer from last time - he thinks his name was Keith - comes to them. He seems surprised when he looks at him.

"You're here" he says and Shiro wonders if maybe he did something wrong the way he says it.

"Dude, Keith, social skills" Lance says, laughing. And oh, yeah, is this Lance's boyfriend?

"I only meant... you didn't seem very keen, last time" Keith explains, and Shiro can't really fault him. He had been hesitant. He's still not sure why he's here or if this is a good idea. He hopes so.

"Yeah I... you said it would be good for Black" he settles for in the end, after all she's the main reason he's here. It's some kind of reward, because he has almost let her down so many times and he's had her only for a week.

Keith looks at Black then, and he's almost smiling. He crouches down and extends a hand, stopping before touching her "Can I?" he asks watching Shiro.

It strikes him as a odd question, she's not wearing her harness, which is usually the universal sign for 'DO NOT TOUCH', besides Keith is her trainer. But at the same time he must know the effect of having someone touch a service dog and distracting it from the job when her owner is on edge.

"Yeah, no problem" he says in the end, because he's not here for himself and he doesn't want to make her miss on the bonding time he has promised her.

Keith nods and starts petting Black, a soft expression on his face.

"Man, you really change only when you're looking at animals" Lance sighs, aggravated, and Shiro almost wants to say that he's sure that's not true, when the other trainer - Hunk - comes forward.

"Lance! And Shiro! That's a surprise I'm so glad!" he almost yells, with a big smile, and Shiro thinks that Hunk is really similar to a dog. Blue, at Hunk's presence, runs again towards him, barking excitedly.

"Woah Blue, I know I get it, but really it's kind of distrurbing how much you love my man" Lance mumbles, but he's smiling. Oh, so _Hunk_ is the boyfriend.

Hunk laughs getting on one knee and petting the dog while Lance grumbles that he at least deserves a kiss.

It's strange, he doesn't think he has interacted with these many people at the same time since he has come back home. It should be overwhelming, but no one is paying too much attention to him, so he doesn't feel pressured to really say anything.

"Everyone is already in the back, we have a field for the dogs, you know" Hunk explains smiling "they have all trained together at one point or another, so we're sure nothing will happen"

Shiro nods, even if now that Hunk has said that he's a little anxious. Keith stands up, after having petted Black to his heart content. "Are you really okay?" Keith asks him, and it's still one of the stupidest question someone has asked him in a while.

"Not really" he decides to answer anyway "but that's not exactly news, so..."

Keith looks surprised, like he still doesn't expect him trying to make light of the situation. He doesn't get why, sometimes it's the only thing that keeps him sane.

"Well, I..." Keith starts, but Lance cuts him off with a smile.

"Come on, Shiro! I promised I wouldn't leave you to fend for yourself and I keep my promises" he calls them and Shiro is glad he remembers.

Keith is not a bad person, he can see that, but it's also obvious he's not good with people, that he doesn't think enough about what he says and about how it comes out and Shiro isn't in the right set of mind to deal with that, not on his own.

So he follows Lance and he's surprised to see how many dogs - and people - are outside. He had thought maybe this would be a small gathering, but there are at least twenty people. It's a lot.

"Don't worry, dude, they'll mostly stay by the food and we have one of the staff that's going to bring the meat to us!" Lance tells him, and Shiro sees Hunk huffing, annoyed. He doesn't say he won't do it, so Shiro smiles.

When he looks up he sees a Pitbull and a very large dog coming towards them and he would be alarmed except he should really expect something similar to happen quite often. They're surrounded by dogs.

"These are Red and Yellow," Keith explains "Red is mine, Yellow is Hunk's. We use them to train the other dogs, so they know Black pretty well"

It's evident from the way they interact, barking and circling each other. It seems like it might have been a good idea bringing Black here in the end and he's glad.

 

It goes better than he would have thought and he feels relieved.

The first thirty minutes are even fun. Lance sticks to him as promised, their dogs playing near them, and even Keith seems to gravitate towards them more often than not - Lance tells him it's because he can't stand having this many people around, that this is mostly Hunk's thing and he can see that.

Hunk stays mostly with the other people, that are seated in different circles, talking about things Shiro tries to ignore. They are near enough that sometimes some snippet of conversation reaches them and, unfortunately, once in a while he hears them reminiscing about one of their missions, and he closes his eyes and tries to focus on the moment.

There have been two instance where Black had looked at him, evidently sensing his distress, and even Blue had stopped, concerned, and he thinks that if he loses it here all the damn dogs would run to him in a moment.

It's enough to make him feel better almost immediately.

"You know, Black is a special dog" Lance says, with a smile, "she's a little older than what they usually give around, but you were highly recommended, they told me. Like high chain of command calling to demand you were given the best dog" it's evidently a candid way to satisfy his curiosity in hope that Shiro will tell him something more but, at the same time, Lance isn’t pushing. If Shiro decides to evade the question he thinks Lance would let it go.

He doesn't know what he wants to do.

"I think they feel guilty" is what he says in the end, and he doesn't want to enter in the details. He's surprised to know that even the higher ups had been in on this, but he has been lost in enemy territory for a year and it might not be completely their fault, but everyone had known that the mission they had sent them was dangerous and understaffed.

He doesn't say that, because he doesn't want to think about Matt. Or Dr. Holt. Or any of that, really.

Lance looks at him for a second before shrugging. "Blue is a special dog as well, but in the sense that she wasn't suited for the job. They tried and her brothers and sisters are great, but she's a little too stubborn and she moves too much. Even with her harness sometimes she doesn't behave" he says, with a fond smile. It seems a strange thing to say, especially because it seems he's saying that his dog is a B rated service dog. He likes Blue.

"But then, I'm not exactly another normal PTSD sufferer. My symptoms aren't that heavy, you know? It's just that I'm a homicide detective, and sometimes the job gets rough. It's... my first week on the job there was a bad case, I'll spare you the details, but I was in a bad place. So Hunk told me they couldn't give Blue to anyone and she would have to be sent away and..." Lance stops then, it looks like he doesn't know how to explain it.

Shiro thinks he can understand. "She suits you very well" he says, instead, and he hopes Lance takes it for the compliment it is.

By the smile he receives he thinks he does.

They get distracted then, by a dog barking, and they look at one of the other participants that looks a little worse for the wear, two dogs jumping and sniffing at him to calm him down.

Hunk is there too, and he has a careful face, like the one Allura gets when she's trying to deal with him.

"What happened?" Lance asks Keith, when he joins them (he really doesn't like people emotion, it seems).

"You know, he was talking about missions and... he thought about the last one..." Keith doesn't say anything more, but Shiro can still fill the gaps.

"Someone died, didn't it?" he asks, because he can recognize the pain, the way the guilt seems to be eating him.

"Yeah" Keith admits, quietly and Shiro is glad he's seated. He doesn't want to let himself think about anything. This is the reason why he didn't want to be here.

He looks at that soldier, crying about his friends, and he can't help but think of Matt. He hasn't even started talking about Matt with Coran and he knows he should, but it's such a deep hurt that talking about it seems impossible some days.

"Shiro, man, I think Black is worried about you" Lance wakes him out of his stupor and he looks down where Black is at his feet, looking at him expectantly. He pats her, because her fur is soft and it helps ground him.

Keith has a strange expression, and he has probably realized that he had escaped one emotional mess to just find another.

"I'm sorry" Shiro says, because he is, but Lance waves his apology away and Keith just shrugs.

It's the best reaction he has gotten yet and it kind of beats Allura worried mothering. It feels like it's something that happens and it's no big deal.

Shiro appreciates it, even if he doesn't want to think like it's normal to be like this.

"Keith, why don't you tell Shiro about that cute dog you guys found the other day? Like it's the cutest little ball of fluff" Lance tells him, and Shiro can breathe again.

 

"So you had fun" Allura summarizes that night, when she brings back Black from her walk. Shiro nods, even if he's not really looking forward all the 'I told you so' that will follow.

Allura surprises him, in the end, by just smiling, like it makes her happy just knowing that, but then she tells him that she wants to talk for a while.

Shiro knows immediately that it's nothing good.

They sit on the sofa and Allura forcefully takes his arm and moves it so that it sits on her shoulders, like a hug. He's not sure how he feels about the contact, but Allura had always been respectful of him spaces and if she wants a contact then maybe she has her reasons.

He understands them the moment she says "Katie called". He freezes, because he can't open this floodgate. There's a reason why he hasn't answered to Pidge's messages or her calls. _Allura knows_ _it_ , Pidge knows it. "Look, let me finish" Allura says, "I told her you were... getting help. And she's happy and she wants to see you again, but I told her that you might not be ready and that maybe I could be the in between, so that she doesn't have to call you everyday"

Shiro think about it, and it's not a bad idea, he's not ready to meet her yet, he's not sure he ever will be, but at the same time it would be a comfort not to have to ignore her calls. It would make him feel less guilty, at least.

"Thank you" he tells her, because she really seems to be the only thing keeping him sane (relatively) and stable in all of this, and every day she surprises him in new ways.

"Don't even mention it. It's not a hassle, I can maybe get her to go shopping with me" Allura says, smiling and Shiro has to smile back.

"She hates shopping. And women's clothes" he reminds her because little Katie had been a tomboy when she was little and now that she’s older it had just seemed to grow from there. She still thinks of herself as female, but she sometimes preferres to be called Pidge.

They had never had any problem with it.

"I know, but you don't help me pick clothes anymore" Allura despairs and Shiro has to laugh harder.

"You always said I was a fashion disaster" he reminds her, but Allura simply shrugs.

It's nice and at the end of the night he's sorry to lose the physical contact. So he considers it a progress.

 

 

Two days later he's coming back from the park - today was a good day - when he sees someone in front of his house. Black senses his distress and immediately puts herself between him and the building, but it gets worse when he sees who it is.

What is Pidge doing here? He thought that Allura had told her that he wasn't ready to see her? And this isn't a great neighborhood, she's only sixteen. She can't be here.

"Shiro" she starts, with a tentative smile "I... sorry, I'm not very good at following directions" she says, and he almost laughs.

He knows that, Matt had used to complain about it all the time. About his genius of a sister that could never stay put.

Matt's laugh and fond look hits him like a sucker punch and this, this is the reason why he told Allura he wasn't ready.

"It's just..." Pidge continues "that you have never let me say sorry in person and... it has been a year. I need to tell you face to face"

She has cut her hair, and she looks so much like Matt it's uncanny. They were always similar, but like this it's almost like looking at the same person. It's terrible.

Shiro can't breathe.

Black, is going crazy at his feet, trying to lick his hand and trying to nudge him. He almost can't hear her.

Pidge looks at him for a second and smiles "She's a good dog".

Shiro can't do this.

"You have to go" he says, and he knows he's being rude, but he can't... he...

"No!" Pidge says, "no Shiro I... I will go but I have to tell you. It wasn't your fault. I was wrong. I was angry and hurt and you were the only one there" she screams "I never thought it was your fault, I said such a terrible thing but I'm glad you came back. Matt would be glad too"

She's still talking, but Shiro can't see her, he's seeing only Matt, talking about what he wants to do, about all his project and researches. A field medic, he wasn't even supposed to be so deep inside the territory, but he had gone because Shiro was on the mission and _you will need my help, brother_.

"You were right" he interrupts her. Black is barking, whining and Shiro almost hits her, but he just lets go of her leash and recoils from her too "don't apologize because you were right. I didn't want to see you because you would have apologized but you were right"

He can't look at her while he runs to his door, past her. She yells his name, but he doesn't stop. It's difficult opening the door with one hand on the best of days, and today it seems like an impossible feat, but he manages to do it and he runs.

He notices that Black has followed him when he almost trips on her leash.

Shiro doesn't care, he arrives at his door and opens it quickly this time and he enters before breaking down.

He thinks of Matt, his best friend, his brother, how he had looked the last time Shiro had seen him, when he had pushed him down because if he hadn't done as they asked it would have been worse.

A mercy he had said to himself at the time, but it feels like a curse now. They had taken Matt away after Shiro had pushed him away hard enough to make him break his arm, because they wanted fights that could be entertaining. Using them as dogs.

He has never seen Matt again and he can't help but think that it's his fault if he's dead, that they had killed him once he had been useless to them not being able to fight to entertain them.

All the memories he had tried to keep at bay overwhelm him, like waves.

When he can think again he's on the floor and Black is licking his face, desperate to make him come down from the flashbacks. He's shaking badly and he feels like he has run for ten hours straight.

He pets her, and feels terrible. He had almost left her outside, abandoned her in the streets and yet here she is, making sure he's alright.

Black looks at him then, now that he seems to be a little better and then she turns away and trots to the living room. He looks at her strangely, but when she comes back she has a toy in her mouth and she leaves it by his foot. And then another. And then another.

Shiro is crying before he realizes it, and it feels like a liberation. The last toy she brings is the ball that Shiro had bought for her and Shiro looks at that slobbering mess and cries harder.

Matt memories are still there, almost at the surface, but he pushes them down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As reference for the future:  
> Black is an [Australian Shepherd](http://www.hayvansitesi.com/wp-content/uploads/avustralya-coban-kopegi.jpg)  
> Blue is an [Italian Greyhound](http://www.petpaw.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Italian-Greyhound-slider-2-710x270.jpg)  
> Yellow is a [Leonbergher ](http://www.grumpi.de/cache/com_zoo/images/leonberger_c58e8ceda03c6e9d6c73b4a99d71f004.jpg)  
> Red is a [Pitbull ](http://thehappypooch.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Pit-Bull-Dog.jpg)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SO! How much time has it been?????? Ops.  
> Just to be clear: I love this fic with my whole being and it will be finished. I was just... distracted by Sheith BB. I'm gonna do better with Supernova, I swear ;;  
> So be adviced, this is another heavy chapter where Shiro thinks about what happened to him and tries to come to term with the fact that he's sick, but at least the Sheith is advancing.

Shiro doesn't know how much time passes, it feels like a veil shields him from everything in front of him. He's seated with his back to the door, surrounded by Black's toys and Black herself is laying down between his legs. Her weight is a comfort, but also oppressing. He hates feeling like this: he needs the tether but he also wants to be ready to flee.

When he hears the frantic knocks on the door he already knows who they are from.

As much as Allura’s friendship and support mean to him, he doesn't feel ready to interact with her. He has relented a lot of times for her, letting her in even when he hadn't wanted to. He doesn't think he can do it now.

"Shiro. Open the door! Pidge called me and told me what happened" she says, knocking still "and if you don't let me know you're all right I'm going to use the keys. Please!" Black stirs between his legs and gets up, looking at the door. She probably recognizes the voice and he's glad she's not barking—there's only so much noise he can stand right now and the pounding on the door already feels like too much.

"Shiro!" Allura shouts again and he closes his eyes, trying to drown her voice.

He wonders how Katie is. Had he frightened her? Probably. He can't do anything right.

He hears the distinct metallic noise of keys on the other side of the door and the moment he realizes Allura is going to come in, he almost chokes. The idea of letting someone in the apartment seems impossible. Daunting.

He's glad the shutters on the windows are closed, he doesn't think he could tolerate it otherwise.

"Stop" he croaks, his voice raw and a little shaky. Shiro isn't crying anymore, but he still feels like he is "don't come in." He feels like he’s begging her and it irks him, how much vulnerability he’s showing here.

"Shiro, please! We're just worried, I can..." Allura starts, but Shiro just shakes his head. She can't see him, but that doesn't stop him.

"I need to stay alone. Please, please" he can’t recognize his own voice. He feels desperate, raw and broken, and he doesn't know what he would do if she entered the room.

He's afraid of himself, he realizes.

Allura doesn't answer, probably thinking it over. Shiro looks at Black, panting in front of him, and remembers the instinct to hit her. What if it happens again? Just like that woman at the supermarket? "Just... let me do this alone" he continues. It's manipulative on his part, he knows that, because as much as Coran had told him to ask for help he had also been adamant about allowing Shiro to progress at his own pace. He doesn’t want to progress now, he wants to slow down and stop.

Another minute passes without anyone talking and then Allura's voice comes, low and hesitant. She's afraid too, he realizes. "I'll come back tomorrow, okay? If you call me I'll come immediately" it's obvious she doesn't want to leave, but she's doing it for him; because he asked her to. He feels terrible.

"Thank you," he tells her anyway and hopes that it can make a little of her pain go away. It doesn’t feel like something in his power, feels like he’s only capable of hurting people.

"Shiro..." she starts, but she doesn't continue. Her words hang in the air, and he doesn't want to know how they continue. Would they be of encouragement? Of sorrow?

"See you tomorrow, Allura," Shiro says, cutting her off, and she must understand what he's saying because he hears her heels clicking away.

The door stands unmovable between him and the rest of the world and it makes breathing easier, knowing it's a wall he can defend.

HIs house is cramped and a mess but it's safe and, right now, it's all he needs.

 

 

Shiro moves on the bed at one point, Black trailing behind him. He stops to the kitchen to fill her bowl, and she starts to eat until he moves toward the bedroom. She follows immediately, even if she hasn’t finished her meal, but Shiro doesn’t look back at her. He crawls into bed but Black doesn't follow him, as usual, but instead of looking at him from a distance she puts her snout on the covers.

He wonders what kind of training has she gone through for this, if there is some kind of manual for these episodes. He doesn't understand how people feel like this and just... move on with their life.

Matt's memories are buried deep within his mind, a ticking clock he has no control over. Pidge had been a match, and she had burnt through him easily.

He had almost hurt her.

There is nothing but apathy now. He doesn't feel sad, nor ashamed. He feels empty.

Black whines from where she is and the noise is jarring. Wrong. He wants her to shut up already.

He turns on the bed, faces the wall, and buries deep inside his covers. Black's nose touches his calf and he recoils, almost as if the dog had bitten him.  Shiro doesn't want to think about Black, or Pidge, or Allura. He wants to be alone.

The terrible thing? Sometimes he wishes he was still there, with dirt and blood under his fingertip. With crusted sand on his skin. It had been terrible there, but he had known what he was supposed to do. There had been no choice. He had awaited the day of his death with the certainty it would have been a relief.

Now there doesn't seem to be anything awaiting him.

Under the covers, he locks the rest of the world out and tries to isolate himself. Maybe he can close his eyes and everything will go away.

He will be left alone, floating in nothingness.

Black whines again and he pushes his leg back to force her to retreat. Get off the bed. The silence after feels like a blessing and he takes it.

A part of his mind knows he will feel terrible for it, but right now he's not ready to do anything else.

The toys sit still by the door, when he had tried to bring them with him they had been too heavy for his hand. A rock that he couldn't sustain.

He closes his eyes and sleeps.

 

 

When he wakes up he feels groggy, not at all there, and he notices there is a strange smell. He doesn't pinpoint it immediately, but it becomes obvious after a while. What happened the day before comes back to him in a flash and he closes his eyes, trying to make it go away again.

Shiro hears movement beside the bed and he hesitates only a second before turning and facing Black. She looks tired, or maybe he's projecting.

He wants to cry because he has failed her too, in the end.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, looking finally at the clock beside the bed. He had slept for almost twelve hours and he still feels so tired "I didn't walk you, I know. I'm sorry"

The pungent smell of dog's urine is still clear to his nose, but he knows it's not Black's fault. He should get up and open the windows to let the air in, but the idea makes him shiver.

He doesn't want to open a window. It makes him feel unsafe, and he already feels so frail.

Black seems to hesitate for a second before putting her snout on the bed again, like the night before, and he remembers the way he had pushed it away. Is she scared of him now?

She can get in line, probably.

He doesn't want to move, but he pushes through. He reaches with his hand to touch her fur and feels a little better at the way she leans into the touch.  Sometimes he resents her presence, but other times she feels like a miracle.

"I'm really sorry. I haven't even..." had he put food in the bowl the night before? He doesn't remember. He thinks so, but everything blends into his mind until he doesn’t recognize reality from dreams.

Shiro's own only goal shattered not even a month into it. He's pathetic.

Black lick his hand, like she usually does when she's trying to make him come back from the dark places in his head, but it doesn't work this time. It feels like there are no other places there but pitch black ones.

"I'm going to get up and take care of you," he tells her, hoping that saying it out loud will make it happen —will help him find the strength. It doesn't.

He's still lying there and she's still licking him. She must be hungry, but she doesn't whine.

Shiro should be hungry too, but his stomach is still in knots.

The truth comes to him then and he knows he won't get up, that today is the day he lets this beat him. Shiro feels the shame curl heavily inside his guts, and yet he lets it fester.

He deserves it.

Shiro pushes back on the bed, away from Black and he sees the way she stares at him, confused. The moment he pats on the bed she jumps faster than he had ever seen her and lies down beside him, her snout on his shoulder.

Her fur is soft under his hand and he closes his eyes and lets himself go.

 

 

When he opens his eyes again, Black is still with him. She looks awake, but she hasn't moved and he's clinging to her like she's his only anchor. He also can't smell the acidic stink of her urine anymore.

"She doesn't want to move," someone says from the door and he sees Allura, looking at him. He doesn't know what hour it is, he hopes it’s early, but at the same time he fears he had forced Allura to skip work. Black looks at him and thumps her tail against the bed three times.  He doesn't know why she's happy, why she hasn't gone with Allura the moment the choice was given to her.

"I'm sorry," he says, and he's not sure to whom. It seems that neither of them cares about his apology very much.

Black leans into him, her face getting closer to his, but not touching. Allura only scoffs from the door "As if I couldn't take care of some dirty rags".

He still feels ashamed. Their comprehension only making him feel worse.

"Do you want to get up?" Allura asks him and Shiro wonders how he can tell her. How much is he going to hurt her by telling her he can't? That the mere thought seems harder than signing up for the army in the first place?

"No" he only answers, hoping the rest can stay hidden inside of him for a day more. He will be better tomorrow, he has to believe that.

Allura doesn't say anything, doesn't judge, and he thinks she might be going to the kitchen to tidy up a little, he startles when the bed dips on his other side.

"Then make a little room. We're going to stay here for a while" she tells him and he feels her behind him. Her body had been familiar to him once, nights spent together in bed just like this.

He had loved her and, if he has to be honest, he had loved being the little spoon. She hugs him from behind, like she used to before, and Shiro tries to stay relaxed, but it feels unsafe, having his back touched like this.

"I'm here, Shiro," Allura tells him, pushing his hair back, her hands gentle on his head "and Black is on the other side and nothing can happen to you now".

He wants to cry again, but at the same time, he doesn't want to make Allura see. He doesn't want to tell her he's not afraid that something will happen to him. He's afraid he'll do something to them.

He closes his eyes and tries to lose himself on her warmth.

 

Allura has never been a patient woman; sweet and caring, but not patient. He's honestly surprised about how much time she spends silent, practically cuddling him.

So when she starts talking he understands she has tried her best, really "You know she was sorry, right?" It's a stupid thing to be, Pidge shouldn’t be sorry.

In the end, Shiro was the one that had a freak-out. "She has nothing to be sorry for"

"She does. Shiro... you weren't ready and you told her you weren't" Allura repeats and she brings a hand to his hair, playing a little with them.

He remembers nights like this, he remembers days, _better days_.

Shiro doesn't want to tell her what he had told Pidge, not again. He remembers the way Allura had reacted the first time, and Pidge's devastating gaze is still fresh in his mind. Hurting the people he cares about hurts too much, he just wants to stop.

"She just wanted to apologize," he says, instead "I should have been able to endure it. I..." who reacts like this because someone is apologizing?

"You're not well. That's all right. She had no right. I... I talked with my uncle as well and he agreed it wasn't the right time" she tells him and something about that irks him. Makes something inside of him boil.

"I thought you two weren't supposed to talk about me" he doesn't know why he feels so angered by that. He has told almost everything to Allura himself, but... it was his choice.

"We don't! Uncle doesn’t tell me anything about your sessions, I swear!" Allura is quick to say, a little bit frantic "I just wanted to be sure how to broach the subject the other night"

"Because I'm broken. And I could have overreacted" his voice is a hiss, quiet and deadly. It's a whiplash, after the day of complete apathy, to feel so intensely and so quickly.

"Because you're my friend and you're in a delicate situation" she counters, but he hears the pity under her breath. How much has he relied on her? Too much.

It's obvious she sees him as this broken thing. He's just something to handle with care.

Black is still there on the other side of him, and now their presence is not a comfort anymore. It's a prison.

He's strapped down, held against his will. He can hear their hands, their voices. He doesn't understand them and he's hot, tired, dirty.

"Shiro" he hears someone calling him, but he just wants them to stop touching him. He says it too, he thinks, and he’s free. There is nothing against his skin anymore and yet he’s still suffocating.

His breathing comes hard and he hears barking in the distance—he also hears screams, fast and harsh words. Laughs, so many laughs. He had been there to amuse them, they had treated them like dogs. Worse than.

Shiro can almost taste the blood mixed with sand, can feel the heat—scorching and never-ending. He wants to tell them that he’s already a dead man, they don’t need to have him fight over and over, but he wins every time so maybe they are right. Maybe he can be broken even more.

There’s a whine on his left and some frantic movement. He hears someone say _Stop_ in a commanding voice and he doesn’t know if he’s moving or not, but he does his best to comply. The noises don’t stop until he feels something soft touch his hand.

Shiro doesn’t know what it is, there was never something as soft there—everything was rough. The clothes, the floor, the people. It helps, having something so foreign, something that could never belong in his personal hell.

“Black, don’t touch him!” he hears Allura say, but before she can do anything he brings his arm forward and touches the dog’s neck.

“No, don’t…” he rasps because Black’s presence is bringing him back, so slowly. It feels like the only real thing.

Tears swell in his eyes, even if he knows he's not alone this time.

In all the weeks, months, he has had to battle this, the one thing he had never experienced was full-blown flashbacks. He had gotten uneasy, he had gotten scared and confused, but now this is the second flashback in… he’s not even sure how much time has passed.

It had been terrible. He sees he hasn’t really moved. What would have happened had he been alone? Would have he been trapped forever?

"Shiro," Allura calls him, but he wants her to go away. He wants to be alone with his shame.

"I'm..." he tries because she deserves an apology. Something.

"No" she interrupts him, however, her voice harsher than it probably needed to be "You won't be sorry for this. I'm not here because I think you're broken, Shiro. I'm here because I love you. And because someone needs to be"

He shakes his head, tries to make her see that no, no one should. He hears her get close to him again but he almost backs away. He doesn’t want to be touched, doesn’t think he can. She must have noticed because next thing he knows Allura’s hand is beside his, close but not touching.

"I won't go away, Shiro. It's not how it works" she sounds sure, obstinate like only she can be.

He wonders why he ever let her go.

"I could have hurt you. I almost hurt Black" he says, shaky like he hadn't felt in a while. Yesterday he had been so angry with Pidge. What if he’s still that animal? What if he’s still capable of those terrible things?

"But you didn't" she reasons "and you stopped. It's why she's here. She was trained for this"

it doesn't really feel possible, that people would think that giving someone like him a dog was a good idea. He's going to harm her and then he will feel terrible.

He stays silent, but Black, hearing her name, starts licking him again. She’s relentless and he wonders what she smells on him. What does she see?

"I was so scared and so tired," he tells them both because he has to. There is a rock on his chest and every day it's heavier "I thought I wanted it to be over, but every time I... I fought harder. I couldn't... I didn't want to die."

Allura’s hand doesn’t move, even if he sees how much she wants to—how much she has to restrain himself. "You were always a fighter," she tells him and he can imagine her smile, even if he’s looking straight at Black. He wants to look back to Allura and bask in it, but he knows he will lose the nerve if he actually looks at her in the eyes.

"Sometimes I think I shouldn't have fought so hard" he whispers, ashamed "that maybe if I hadn't, Matt would be here and Pidge would be happy. I was the one without a family, without no one."

"That's not true" her tone is gentle, more than he deserves "I'm your family. Pidge is your family. She did a dumb thing, but she's young and hurting. She misses you"

Honestly? He misses her too.

Shiro remembers those days at the Holt's family house with warmth, and it feels so uncommon nowadays to even have happy thoughts, things that make him happy, so he holds those memories close.

Pidge had been much younger, but still as sure, still as unconventional. Sometimes it had been Katie, sometimes Pidge, sometimes it didn't really make a difference.

There had been Matt, smiling—happy and carefree—and Dr. Holt, with his wrinkles and love for science ( _now dead on a hot desert_ ). They had been a family to him when he had lost his. It hurts to realize he hasn’t talked to Ms. Holt since he came back, too ashamed to face her.

The idea of talking to them ever again makes him want to puke.

He can feel the apathy creep again, trying to make him feel less, like a coping mechanism that leaves him unable to function. He can’t do it now, can’t let it win again today. Black needs to eat and he needs to do better.

He braces himself and sits up on the bed. Allura looks startled for a second before smiling in encouragement.

“I need to make her eat. And take her out. And…” had he taken care of his stump the day before? He doesn’t remember. It usually a routine so ingrained in his everyday life that he almost never forgets to clean it but…

“Okay, slow down. Why don’t you clean yourself a little? I can make her eat, I think. I’m not sure she wants to leave you” she trails off. They both look at Black and she seems focused on him as if she’s scared he’s going to have another attack. Honestly, he feels like she might be right.

Shiro pats Black’s head twice and nods “It’s time to move, girl,” he tells her and hopes it sounds right.

 

 

He has a difficult couple of days where he tries very hard not to let himself crawl into bed like he wants to do. He remembers movies telling him it should get easier every time he resists, but it doesn’t.

It’s the weekend so Allura stays with him both days, a little oppressive but ultimately a great help in motivating him.

Black sticks to him closer than the first days they were together and it feels like he has taken a step back.

Shiro even forces himself to leave the house and walk the block, so that Black can do her business, before running back home again. It doesn’t feel like much, but Allura insists it’s more than enough and he wants to believe her.

When she leaves, Sunday night, she hugs him close and he hugs her back.  He still feels raw and a shaken. It’s like someone disassembled him and then didn’t put all the pieces back together.

Shiro doesn’t tell her that when she leaves, doesn’t want to make her worry even more.

His house is silent and still, Black firmly at his side, and he squares his shoulder.

 _He can do this too_.

 

Coran is looking at him but he isn't saying anything and Shiro doesn't know where to start. There's a part of him that feels like the first sessions, unsure and a little embarrassed. Black is at his side, and she seems to be paying more attention that usual, like she's expecting him to blow up soon.

He doesn't resent her, knows that he's as wind up as he can, but her presence makes him feel even more over the edge.

"I know you've had a... difficult weekend," Coran says, and he's careful with his words, trying to be gentle and reassuring.

"Yeah, in a matter of speaking," he says, with a sigh "I don't know how I feel about Allura calling you when something happens".

It's a shameful confession because he knows both of them are doing it with good intentions and him in mind, but it's still a discomfort he can't shake. Until now it had been little things, like with Black, but Pidge? Pidge is a big thing.

Coran takes a minute to process this and he closes his little notebook, looking at Shiro with incredible focus "I understand your feelings. Allura was scared and reached out to me, it was a delicate situation. I can assure you I didn't tell her anything that she didn't already know—I think, in this particular case, she knows more than I do—but your reaction is normal"

Shiro doesn't know if that makes it better or not. He doesn't know why something that had made him laugh not even two weeks prior can now shake him this much. He had always known Allura and Coran were close, he likes them both because they are driven and don't stop at anything to reach their goals. This is a perfect example, and yet...

"If you want to stop the sessions with me, I can try and rccomend you to some of my colleagues" Coran doesn't sound upset, only professional, detached. Shiro doesn't know if he can do this all again, find someone else to give his trust to in this way. He tries to think about what to say, how to make sense of his mind, but the other continues "but if you decide to stay then I would like to increase our weekly meetings".

Shiro stops, surprised. Coran smiles, encouragingly "It is nothing to be scared about. I believe we have reached a level of trust in our session that seeing each other two times a week can only do you good. I tend to start with one week and then increase as needed so that we can build a relationship before taking any steps forward."

"So this means I've gotten worse?" he whispers, and it hurts him to think that, when he had really thought he was getting a little better, day after day. Not the past three days, not after Pidge, but... he had been, right?

"This is not about getting worse" Coran quickly reassures him—but he doesn't say Shiro had been getting better either  "this is more time to talk things through between us. In a safe space. We've talked much about you, but we still haven't touched most of your... trauma. That's all right, it's a healing process, but I do think we're getting close."

These are the times he misses having both his hand, the times he wants nothing more than clasp them in front of him and look at them. He can feel his shoulder move, almost as if to comply, but there's nothing there.

"I... I don't think I'm ready to talk about..." he stops, and closes his eyes. Already the little pieces of information he had given to Pidge and Allura had been too much for him. He's not sure if he can say the whole story in one sitting.

"We most certainly don't have to talk about it now, my boy," Coran reassures him "I would prefer to talk about Katie and the impact of her visits. Or, really anything you want to talk about. But, well, only if you want to continue with me."

Shiro holds his breath for a second, a little trick he had used in training to make quick decisions, and he tries to think about the situation. About how he would feel changing therapist, about how he feels about increasing the sessions.

The truth is that he wants to get better, needs it too much. And Coran had made him feel better about himself little by little. Shiro is so tired of hating himself.

He exhales and looks at the other, nodding "Yeah. All right".

Coran smiles, with relief, and opens his notebook. "Good, I'm happy you reached this decision, you have made progress since we started seeing each other and I would love to continue this journey with you."

The little reassurance soothes places in him he didn't know where hurting and he closes his eyes.

 _He can do this too_.

 

In the end, they set up another meeting every Thursday and he doesn't want to think about how he left the Wednesdays free.

Also because when Wednesday comes around he looks at Black, looks at the pamphlet with the center's weekly meetings, but in the end doesn't go. He feels guilty, even if he had never really committed himself to going again. He wonders if anyone will care: Lance, that had been so good with him, or Hunk that seems to worry about everyone a little bit too much. He doesn't think about Keith, mostly because he's not sure what to think about him.

On their Monday's session, Coran had told him to start developing his routine again so he wakes up every day and makes sure to clean his stump properly and care about it as he should, and he starts doing his exercises again with more focus. He still hasn't gone back to running in the morning like he did before, but he does walk Black every morning through their usual park so he counts that as a win.

Allura still comes at night to walk Black, and Shiro hopes, one day, to maybe walk with her, but it's still too early. He doesn't like the idea of her walking alone in his neighbor, but she laughs at his worries and 'gently' reminds him that she might not have military training but she can kick his ass—and she can.

On Thursday, the session goes smoothly, even if it's strange being there on another day. Shiro talks as much as he can about Pidge, about his memories of her, and tries to maybe start talking about her visit, about what he had told her. When his throat stops working and Black has to start barking to prevent him from going into shock, Coran stops him.

In the end, they don't touch the subject for the rest of the session, but Shiro still arrives home drained.

He goes directly to bed, even if it's only afternoon, and he makes Black lay down beside him. They stay there for hours, Shiro's face deep into Black's fur.

 

Two days later Shiro wakes up a little earlier than usual. It's not like he normally wakes up super late, but there is no need for him to be really awake before ten. Today it's not even seven in the morning and the idea of staying in bed another second makes him feel ill.

It can be a good sign, he thinks, he was never one for lounging in bed too much.

So he gets up, he cleans himself, he does some exercises and he eats. It's a quarter after seven when he finishes everything and he's ready to walk Black. She's wagging her tail at the door, excited, and he smiles at her.

The streets are quieter at this hour and while he likes the solitude it also irks him a little, not seeing as many people around. He always takes the less used roads, but today he almost feels the need to use the normal route, where more people would certainly be walking. He doesn't and tries to push against the memories and the anxiety.

Black seems confused, a little more on edge, but this is her walk time so Shiro tries to make her relax.

They arrive at the park quickly and Shiro releases her from her leash. She looks back at him a little uncertain before he takes the ball—a little tradition, at this point—and throws it.

She runs after it and brings it back, but Shiro doesn't bother throwing it again, she's sniffing around and trying to find a good place to do her stuff.

Shiro doesn't mind, he sits down on a bench and just watches for a while. It's a nice day, with a little breeze and sunny enough. He knows it will be colder soon and he doesn’t look forward to that, but today it's nice.

He closes his eyes for a second, tries to relax and actually enjoy this when a loud bark scares him. He gasps, standing up quickly, and looking at Black with fear—has something happened to her? He looked away for one second… but in the end, he just hears more excited barking and a dog he thinks he recognizes playing with Black.

"Red, dammit..." someone says from near him and Shiro turns just to find Keith, panting and walking closer to him. He doesn't look exactly happy to be doing so, maybe a little embarrassed, maybe a little unsure of what to actually say. Shiro understands him completely.

"I'm... sorry. She was just..." Keith stops talking and shrugs, almost as if he doesn’t really know how to finish the thought. It reminds him of their other conversations, how rough Keith seems to be.

Shiro is glad that he feels strong enough today to sustain a conversation with someone without embarrassing himself too much.

"It's all right. Just acting like dogs should…" and it's a stupid thing to say because Keith works with them, he surely knows it much better than he does. The other just nods and doesn't add anything.

It's awkward, and Shiro doesn't know how to break the ice. He thinks that once he was better at this, better at small talk and at making people think he was suave and cool and had life figured out. Now...

So he just doesn't talk. He sits back down again with a smile in Keith's direction and looks at the dogs, playing around in the park. This might be a little uncomfortable, but he's glad that Black is enjoying herself after everything he has put her through lately.

"You..." Keith starts, almost out of the blue, and Shiro turns towards him, surprised "you didn't come last week." It's not said as an accusation, mostly Keith seems to be as surprised as Shiro is that he actually asked that. He was probably worried about Black, Shiro reasons, after all, Lance had told him that Black was a special case for them.

At the same time, he doesn't want to explain to Keith what has happened. He hasn't been able to tell everything to Coran yet, let alone a virtual stranger.

"Yeah. I was..." he stops and just shrugs. He doesn't want to lie, make up an appointment or anything like that. The meetings are not required, he remembers. Shiro can skip them and not owe anything to anyone.

Keith doesn't say anything in return and Shiro is ready to just let the conversation die again, when the other says, a little awkwardly "Lance was worried. Hunk too. That maybe you hadn't liked the meetings".

Shiro looks surprised for a second before looking at his hand, nervously "No, I... didn't like the idea very much in the beginning but it was nice. Better than what I thought it would be."

"A stellar recommendation" Keith deadpans and Shiro startles for a second. He looks at Keith's face and then smiles when he realizes that was supposed to be a joke.

"I can leave a TripAdvisor review, if you want," he tells him, and he is rewarded with a fleeting amused tilt of Keith's mouth. He gets a little bolder "4 stars. Less panic-inducing than expected".

Keith snorts and Shiro feels happy about it. About being able to make someone as closed off as Keith smile.

He remembers Hunk's word from the first day that Keith liked animals more than humans, and it makes him feel a little special. There isn't a real reason why, probably Keith spends all his time laughing with his friends, but Shiro tries not to think about it.

He hasn't made anyone laugh but Allura in a year.

The silence returns once again, but it feels lighter than before, and Shiro relaxes a little on his bench. The mountain of social niceties finally overcome.

"So you'll come next week?" Keith says, out of the blue, and Shiro looks back at him, trying to understand where that came from.

Honestly, he hasn't decided yet. Coran would probably push him to go, had told him to go on Monday. Shiro just wants to see how he feels before actually making a decision.

Still, he knows Keith is asking because of Black, so he tries to be honest "I don't know. I haven't decided yet. I..."

He doesn't know how to say that he's scared about watching people cry in front of him. That if another episode like last time happens again he's not sure he could control himself. Those feel like personal confessions, and while Keith knows Shiro has problems, he still doesn't want to reveal any of this.

In the end, he settles for "I'm afraid it can be a little too much" and hopes that the rest can be left unsaid.

Shiro can feel Keith's eyes on him, focused. He feels like he's being studied, like Keith is trying to judge him from their brief conversations. Shiro doesn't know exactly what the other is hoping to find, and honestly, he doesn't think he wants to know.

He can see Black and Red getting tired, they're playing a little less excitedly, and he hopes that means that they can go home soon.

Shiro stands up and sees Black look towards him and starting to walk in his direction, tongue lolling outside of her mouth and panting incessantly.

"It was fun meeting you-" he starts saying, taking the leash and putting it on Black, when Keith barrels though him like he wasn't even listening.

"I run here every day. Same hour" Keith informs him, out of the blue "it's the first time I've seen you"

His tone is stiff, there is something hidden under it, some kind of double meaning he can’t understand. Shiro becomes defensive almost without even noticing.

"I'm not usually up at this hour. It's early" he explains, feeling almost ashamed of himself. Is it something he should feel ashamed of? Is he wasting his life?

Rationally he knows he's not. Getting up a little later is one of the easiest symptoms to deal with. And yet he had felt better this morning, waking up earlier, like he used to do.

Probably Keith isn’t even judging him for that, but his own thoughts from this morning haunt him again, unforgiving. Should he put a little more effort?

Keith nods "Right, yes," he says, awkwardly "But I'm here. Everyday"

Shiro doesn't understand why he keeps repeating that for a second— and he blames it on his rusty social abilities and Keith's evident inexistent ones— before he stops, reevaluates the entire conversation and the meaning becomes clear to him: he sees the awkward invite of before for what it was.

He feels a little touched in a way because he hadn't expected Keith to make this kind of gesture.

"Okay, thank you," he says, anyway, and hopes he comes across as grateful. He is, even if he's not sure he's ever going to accept the invitation.

Keith nods a little stiffly while Red, still panting, sits down at his feet. He hadn’t really looked at Keith’s dog before. Last time, at the center, he had been a little too overwhelmed by everyone else to do anything, but he sees now the little scars beside the Pitbull’s ear and neck and wonders about the story there.

He knows better than to actually ask.

“I’m… I’m going to go” he says, feeling the need to just be alone again. It’s not anything Keith has done, not exactly, but again it hits him how much Keith, even if he trains dogs for people like him, isn’t equipped with the ease to navigate these situations. Hunk would have done a better job at making him feel better.

Keith just nods, probably eager to get back to his run, and Shiro nods as well, feeling pretty silly while he does.

He starts to walk away then, Black trotting in front of him. He has taken three steps before Keith’s voice stops him again “Shiro,” Keith calls him and he looks back, surprised.

The other man is looking at him with a determination that makes him almost squirm where he stands “I know I’m not good with… uhm, this. Words. But…” he falters then, almost as if he’s not sure how to continue. It’s… charming, in a way, to see someone flustered as much as he is.

“But you’ll run tomorrow at the same time” Shiro finishes for him. Keith seems surprised for a second, almost as if he had believed that his invitation had been lost on Shiro, and then nods again.

He wonders if people misunderstand Keith a lot.

Keith doesn’t say anything more and when Shiro walks away again, Keith doesn’t stop him.

 

That night when Allura asks him how his day went he’s not sure how to answer. He doesn’t tell her about Keith because he doesn’t know what to tell her and that night he agonizes in bed for an hour straight before taking his cellphone.

He sets an alarm for the day after and closes his eyes, wondering if he’s making a mistake.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I promise I can write more than one chapter every 6 months. It just appears that I'm not going to do that? This was supposed to go on or Shiro Month but it was delayed. I promise I'll make it up to you guys with something special!
> 
> But yeah anyway IT'S HERE!!! CHAPTER 4.  
> And I want to thank lockadee, catpoop and acier for helping me make this chapter presentable to you all. Everything good comes from them, everything terrible comes from me!

Shiro cellphone's alarm  _ actually _ wakes him for the first time in years and he startles awake, scared. He’s not used to it anymore, and it makes him feel a little stupid that he just got  frightened by his own alarm clock.

Immediately, Black is barking at the foot of the bed. She can probably sense his panic and wants to make him feel better. She refuses to get on the bed if Shiro hasn’t invited her, so she’s left with few options.

"It's all right," he promises, sitting up. "It's fine, don't worry." She still hovers, because that's just what she does, but she’s reassured by his tone of voice.

It takes a moment for Shiro to remember  _ why,  _ exactly, he needed an alarm. And the self doubt consumes him. Does he really want to go and meet Keith? Was Keith's proposal really genuine? After all, he probably only proposed to meet because he pities Shiro, who is more than a little broken around the edges.

At the same time, the man had seemed awkward, like he hadn’t known how to ask but wanted to do it anyway. He had also seemed sincere in a way that Shiro hadn't expected from the handful of interactions they had shared before.

Shiro closes his eyes and tries to think about what to do. He had been so sure the night before, sure enough to set the alarm, but now, in the morning light, the doubts chain him to the bed.

What would they even talk about? Keith was obviously not someone used to dealing with people like Shiro— _ sick _ people—and Shiro doesn't have much to talk about that isn't strongly connected to his own problems. And that isn't something to spring on someone on their first (or third) meeting.

He's still agonizing over the decision when he feels the covers being pulled quite insistently. He opens his eyes only to see Black, usually so well-mannered, pulling the covers with her teeth. She reminds him of a mother trying to wake her child who doesn't want to go to school.

It makes him laugh, a surprised sound. And something inside him stops.

_ Laughter _ . How long has it been since he laughed out loud without an underlying layer of sadness? Even now, the moment of hilarity lasts no more than a fleeting second before being obscured by the realization of how miserable his life has been lately.

Part of it, most of it, is connected to his trauma. The other part of it is his own fault.

"Fine," he says, pushing the covers away, "we're doing this. And if it's a terrible idea... then at least we'll know for sure." Black barks like she understands and then she wags her tail excitedly. Shiro smiles at her and pats her head. "First food, and then I have to do some exercises and clean myself. And then..." he stops and shrugs.

He's sure that it will be a painfully awkward morning, but at worst it will be half an hour of tense small talk before Keith has to continue with his run and Shiro can go back to the safety of his own home.

  
  


They reach the park at the same time as the day before, and he looks around trying to see if he can spot Keith and his dog, but the place looks to be almost empty.  Shiro tries to breathe and tells himself it’s like any other day, he can just enjoy spending some time with Black and relax.

In reality the park is too big, too full of blind spots or places where a sniper could easily hide. There is no one else around, a perfect opportunity for a surprise attack, and Shiro feels the anxiety mount inside him. This was a terrible idea. Yesterday had been a good day, but apparently today isn’t going to be one.

Black barks beside him, louder and louder, and Shiro tries to regroup. It's a park. He's in New York. And he's fine.

He bends down and takes the harness off of Black. She looks at him in confusion and when he takes out her ball and throws it, she doesn't even look at it. Yeah, Shiro thought so.

He looks around and spots the same bench from the day before, walking over and sitting down with a heavy sigh. Immediately, Black runs to him and rests her snout on his leg, a comforting presence.

The moment of panic is passing, but it's not something that ever leaves him, that hyper awareness of where he is and how many places there are to hide. How easy it would be for someone to take Shiro out right now.

It never goes away and it's exhausting.

Shiro  _ almost _ startles when he hears a loud bark and the noise of paws running towards them, and he considers it an improvement. He looks towards the little road that traverses the park and sees Red running in their direction. Black looks at the dog and then back at Shiro, evidently prioritizing her job over her friend.

Shiro doesn't know what he did to deserve her. He pats her head and she leans into his touch.

Red reaches them after a couple of seconds, but she calms down the moment she's beside Shiro. She looks nothing like the playful dog of the day before; she looks a lot like Black now.

Shiro realizes that if she's one of the dogs that helps Keith and Hunk train the others, Red must be trained as well. So now he has two dogs scared for him,  _ great _ .

Keith catches up after a minute and Shiro looks at him, trying to gauge his reaction at seeing Shiro here. Is he sad because Shiro has accepted his invitation? Happy? Unsure of how to act?

From what Shiro can tell, he feels nothing at all.

Keith's face doesn't reveal anything of his inner state of mind. He's panting a little, obviously out of breath, and he runs up to them without hesitation.

"Hi," he says, and in that one word he manages to convey all the awkwardness that Shiro is feeling. It's a pretty funny situation if he thinks about it objectively.

"Hi," Shiro responds in kind, and he tries to smile, hoping it comes off as sincere. "I decided that it was nice. The park at this hour."

Keith looks at him, and then he looks at Black and the way she's sitting beside Shiro's leg in a clear sign that her owner isn't as calm as he wants to appear. Keith could call him out on his lie, tell him it's obvious that he's not feeling comfortable, and Shiro wouldn’t be able to say anything. Instead, Keith just nods and sits down beside Shiro.

"I'm glad," Keith clears his voice and pats Red, obviously trying to think of something to say. It's almost amusing, seeing him struggle so much. It makes Shiro feel a little better, knowing that he's not the only one who doesn't have an idea about what he's doing. "It's nice."

Shiro nods, and they fall into silence. Shiro should be making more of an effort, he should find something entertaining to say since Keith had been the one to make the first move and actually invite Shiro to hang out with him. But there is nothing that comes to mind.

"Lance," Keith blurts out, apropos of nothing, and Shiro turn towards him, startled. Keith is looking at his own hands, and there is a blush on his cheeks that wasn't there before, almost as if he's embarrassed, "The other day, Lance arrived at the center, and he was dragging Blue behind him because, apparently, he had taken her to the groomer. I... I don't know what he wanted them to do, probably put nail polish on Blue's nails because Lance does things like that. And apparently Blue jumped on the person that was supposed to do her nails because she was excited. And the person almost broke her hand."   
  
Shiro looks at the other like he's crazy, and he's not sure Keith isn't. He has no idea where that story came from, or why Keith decided to tell it, but he decides to just observe for a moment.

Keith looks wound up, tense, like he's feeling awkward enough that he doesn't know what to do with himself. And Shiro can't help but  _ understand _ . Shiro doesn't know what he's doing here, why he even accepted the invitation—maybe out of loneliness, or maybe because he just wanted to try and reach out to someone.

Maybe he's just that desperate.

But it's obvious now that while Keith had made the offer, he doesn't know what to do now that Shiro has accepted. And this tale, this stupid story spoken out of the blue, is his way to  _ try _ and make the situation a little more comfortable for both of them.

Shiro wants to laugh, because of how terribly embarrassing they both are, but he refrains, unsure if Keith would be offended. Instead, he asks, "Did Blue get her nail polish in the end?"   
  
Keith looks up, surprised at Shiro's interest. Shiro smiles at him, as encouragingly as he can, and Keith relaxes a little. "No. Not this time at least. Once, Lance made her come back with pink polish. It was ridiculous."

Shiro smiles and laughs a little, looking at Black. "Lance must love her very much."

"He does. I mean, I don't really get him most of the time, but Hunk loves him and Blue likes him so he must have some good qualities." Keith says it with a shrug, but Shiro can see a little bit of mirth in his tone. He figures it must be some kind of inside joke.

It irks him a little, but he allows the strange spike of jealousy to wash away. They have been nothing but kind and open with him, all three of them, and it has been Shiro who has taken every occasion to distance himself from them. He has no right to feel jealous of a friendship he has been putting the brakes on since the very beginning.

"I'm sorry," Keith says after a second, "that was the only thing that came to mind. I... I didn't prepare anything."

Shiro looks at him, surprised for a second before he laughs, unable to stop himself. "I don't think you should have  _ prepared _ anything. It's not a job interview."

Keith shrugs, and he doesn't seem embarrassed about what he has just said. There is a genuineness in him that is almost refreshing. Keith believes in saying what he thinks, apparently. "I know, but I also know I don't make the best first impression," the other shrugs and pets his own dog, "not with people anyway. Apparently I'm too direct." He says it with the certainty of someone who has had to reflect on his own actions a lot. 

Shiro thinks back on his own thoughts from the first time he had met Keith and he realizes that this description match: a little too direct, not very good at small talk, but not a bad person. It seems, however, that there are more hidden depths in Keith that he has yet to discover.

"I haven’t been that good at first impressions myself lately, or small talk," Shiro admits, because it only seems fair that he gives something in return for Keith's honesty. "I kind of like that you're not good at this, it makes me feel less lonely."

Keith turns towards him and there is something in his eyes, like he's trying to decipher Shiro. "Everyone loved you. Lance couldn't shut up for two days," Keith says in the end, "Hunk was worried we scared you off. I knew that wasn't the case, though."

"Why?" he asks, unable to contain his curiosity. He had been scared off in a way, even if it wasn’t by them. His own feelings, his own mind, he is scared of them and how fragile they are lately. So Keith's belief in him are not well placed.

"Because you joked about it," Keith says, shrugging, "your own trauma. And you were... you didn't avert your eyes while we explained everything to you. You seem stronger than most."

It's the way he says it, as matter of fact as possible, that almost sets Shiro off. Is he stronger than most? Once, he had thought so, but now? He feels as normal and fragile as anyone else, and he's starting to accept that there is nothing wrong with that.

"I'm not. I'm... I need Black for most things, and I can't even come to the meetings because I don't trust myself," Shiro tells him, a little out of breath. "I'm not that strong."

Silence falls on them again, and this time Shiro doesn't think Keith will make an attempt to say anything. What there is to say about what Shiro just unloaded on him? Will Keith realize that he's just wasting his time?

"You came here." Keith's voice comes as a surprise, and Shiro almost flinches. He turns towards the other, and he's surprised to find Keith's eyes focused on him, burning into his skin. "You came here, even with someone you don't know and who isn't the best at  _ talking _ , and that takes courage. You don't give yourself enough credit."

The urge to fight Keith, to scream at him that he's  _ wrong _ and doesn't know what he's talking about is strong, but Shiro takes a moment to swallow it down. All the words he wants to scream, all the ways he can refute Keith's kind words. He makes them disappear.

' _ What I want you to do,' _ Coran had told him, ' _ is learn to accept compliments’  _ It's hard, because the urge to make them see, to make them understand how broken Shiro actually is—it's overwhelming.

But he stops in time and lets Keith's words wash over him.  _ Respond with a compliment of your own,  _ Coran had continued. "You're better than you think too. It's true you appear a little rough in the beginning, but it was kind of you to invite me today. I don't... get out a lot."

Keith looks surprised that Shiro said something nice in return, and it's funny seeing the confused expression on the other's face. It makes him feel a little better.

"Not many people call me kind," Keith murmurs, furrowing his brow. He looks like he's trying to figure out if he should be offended and Shiro finally laughs, surprising himself. He surprises Keith too, considering the way the other startles, but Shiro can't help it. No one has ever looked that conflicted at being called  _ kind _ .

The joy of the moment washes over Shiro, and he pushes away all the bad thoughts, all the sad feelings, and for a moment, he allows himself the luxury of being happy. Of smiling.

When he finishes, he looks back at Keith who is wearing an incredulous expression. Shiro can't help but smile at him again.

It's nice, he realizes. It's a nice day, and it's nice to talk with someone who isn't Allura or Coran, someone that isn’t hell bent on  _ fixing  _ Shiro.

And when Keith tells him he needs to go because he has work, Shiro actually feels sad at the idea.

"I'll be here tomorrow too," Keith says, looking a little unsure. "If you want. Yeah. Like I said, I run here everyday."

Shiro nods, and he wants to say that he'll be here and the best thing is, he  _ wants _ to be here the next day. "Thank you," is what he settles for in the end, "I think I'll be able to free myself."

Keith answering smile is happy, but there is a gling in his eyes, something Shiro is extremely familiar with. Keith looks confused, almost as if he can't understand  _ why _ Shiro wants to spend time with him.

  
  


For the next three days they actually spend time together at the park, and every day Keith arrives with new and completely ridiculous tales about Lance and Blue. Most of them don't even feel real, but Keith promises they all are.

Honestly, Shiro doesn't care. Keith might be making all of them up, but it's fun to see the animated way Keith tells the stories, and it's obvious that he and Lance have some kind of friendship based on making fun of each other. It makes Shiro ache in  _ good _ ways; and it makes Shiro miss the  _ good _ times with Matt, and not just make him think about all the terrible ones.

They don't talk much about themselves, and Shiro feels like Keith keeps things close to himself. Shiro is okay with it, he knows he's not ready to tell Keith anything about himself yet, and he feels like he has no reason to push the other into opening up.

Their talks are fun, light, and Shiro hasn't felt so alive in years. He's sorry that it took Keith, an almost complete stranger, to make him feel this way when Allura has tried for so very long. While Shiro will forever be grateful to Allura for everything she does and has done for him, it's freeing talking with someone who doesn't know all of Shiro’s traumas and isn’t eager to find them out. 

It's also nice to see Black having fun with another dog. She always looks older when they are at home, when she watches him and takes care of him. Seeing her relax and act a little wild makes him feel happier in return.

"She likes you very much," Keith says on the fourth day. Black and Red are playing between themselves, but every once in a while Black comes back to them to bring Shiro things. It's mostly sticks and grass, but she seems very proud of it.

Shiro doesn't know why she's doing it; he's feeling fine today, and the only other time Black has acted this way was after Pidge's visit. Still, he looks at Keith, a little surprised. "Isn't it normal?" he asks, because they have trained these dogs to be loyal and be ready for anything their owners might need.

"Sure, but Black was a special case. She's a little older than usual, and we were worried she wouldn't bond with you," Keith doesn't really look at Shiro while he talks, focusing on the two dogs playing around, "but she's bringing you things even when you’re fine. It's not to make you come back from an episode, it's just because she wants you to be happy."

Shiro feels his throat close up, swelling with some kind of emotion that is half sadness and half awe. He really doesn't deserve this.

He wants to confess to Keith that he hadn't taken care of her as he should have, that he had let her pee inside the house because he hadn't felt well enough to leave his bed. Keith would probably look at him with the same disappointment Shiro feels himself. So he stays silent, because he's not as strong as Keith thinks he is.

"Sometimes I'm scared I'm not taking care of her in the right way." He feels scared at his own admission, and it’s the most he can concede about his failures. He doesn't want to explain much more, but he hopes Keith will be able to understand his situation more from Shiro's admission.

The other man is silent for a while, and Shiro doesn't press him. Over these past four days, he's finally started to  _ understand _ Keith and the strange way he works. Words are not his forte, but that doesn't mean that Keith doesn't  _ try _ . Most of the time, his silence speaks louder than any words would, and at other times, it just means that he's trying to find the way to express himself.

"The reason I like animals," Keith finally starts, slow and careful, "is that they are loyal. And honest. If they like you, then they like you. And if they don't, they tell you clearly. I think it's a comfort, because I'm not always the best at reading clues."

Keith admits it with a self deprecating smile, and Shiro wants to reach out and console him, make him feel better in any way possible, but Keith continues before Shiro can do anything, "When I got Red, she was in bad condition. She was used as a fighting dog; it's why she has some scars, and she was very angry and very scared."

Shiro startles for a second and looks back towards Red, who is now play fighting with Black. It surprises him, seeing her so carefree.

"She hated humans  _ and _ dogs," Keith explains, "and I understood her. I was pretty angry myself at the time." This is starting to feel almost too personal for Shiro, and a part of him wants to stop Keith, tell him he doesn't need to know, but another part wants him to continue.

"But I got it into my head that if I helped this dog, then I could help myself. I was young—this was like five years ago—and so I searched for a treatment center for dogs. It's how I found Voltron. It was run by other people then, and I mean they weren't really focused on helping  _ dogs _ with PTSD, but I think they made an exception because they looked at me and thought I needed them."

Shiro holds his breath, almost scared of doing anything that would make the other stop. He wants to know everything, he realizes; a curiosity that burns inside him with surprising strength.

"I thought they would give me a miracle cure." The other scoffs at the memory and then smiles. "It doesn't really work like that. We worked really hard, and some days Red just growled at me the whole time. We were both angry I think, but she was scared too. More than I was. At some point, I forgot about helping myself and tried to just help her." Keith seems completely lost in his memories, his eyes unfocused. "It was all i could think about. I became a little obsessed, and then one day, out of the blue,  Red just licked my finger."

There is still a little awe in Keith's voice, almost as if he still can't believe it himself. Even though it's obvious that they have, since then, gotten very close.

"She was telling me that she liked me, that she knew I was doing my best," Keith laughs, shrugging, "and ever since then, she never changed her mind. Never stopped. People are not like that, you know?” There is something there, that Shiro could prod. It feels like a soft spot, a weakness that would be easy exploitable if Shiro wanted to get the full story.    
  
He could just press, and maybe Keith would tell him more. Tell him everything. It wouldn’t be the right thing to do, however, so he remains silent. After a second Keith comes back to himself and looks towards Shiro. “Black loves you. Trust yourself a little more."

Shiro blinks and nods, surprised and a little upset by the story. There is no way that Keith knows how much Red's story hits close to home, he thinks. However much his superiors had disclosed to Voltron for them to train Black for him, he's almost sure they didn't get the full report.

They don't know about the sand, the arena, the fights. He thinks he understand how Red must have felt, and wonders if he's like her too. Angry, but mostly scared.

It also seems funny that Keith, who helped Red when she needed someone, is unknowingly doing the same thing again with Shiro. Maybe, broken things gravitate towards Keith.

"Thank you," Shiro says after a second. His voice is a little croaky, and Keith notices immediately. He had tried—hoped— to hide from Keith how much this story has affected him, but he has failed. He sees the regret on Keith's face, the moment he berates himself for upsetting Shiro, and he hurries to explain himself. "No, please don’t—really,  _ thank you _ . This story must mean a lot to you, and I'm... thank you for sharing it with me."

Keith nods, but it's obvious he doesn’t believe Shiro. He wants to do something to prove it to Keith, but the only thing he can think of is sharing something of himself too. Maybe if he told Keith something personal, something of his past and his trauma, Keith would understand how sincere Shiro is with his thanks.

He can't, however.

The moment he tries to speak, it's like he loses all strength. The arena, the sand, the blood. He can't talk about it here, now, with Keith. He's sorry, he wants to be better, to be able to do it, but he can't.

Some of his struggle must show on his face because Keith hesitates a second before he reaches forward and puts his hand on Shiro's arm. "I believe you," Keith reassures him, with so many emotions in his voice that Shiro isn't able to decipher them all. "It's okay, I believe you. I'm glad."

Shiro nods, and he feels better. Pushes down the memories, the smells. The taste.

He thinks of Red, playing with Black, and can only hope that one day he'll be that carefree too. That he'll be healed.

  
  


That night, he smiles at Allura when she comes to take Black for her usual walk. She's been careful with him ever since the day he had his flashback, and he understands why. He must have scared her, and while he's sorry, he's not sure how to make it up to her.

She's been more worried, lately. Tired. He can't help but think it's his fault.

"I'll bring her back in half an hour," Allura says, smiling, and Shiro looks at her and Black. He thinks of Keith and his story. Allura has tried so hard for him, and sometimes he feels like he has never tried for her.

Shiro inhales deeply, steels his resolve, and then he says, "I'm coming too."

He sees the way Allura freezes in the doorway. She looks surprised, hopeful. But, he realizes with a little bit of shame, she’s scared too.

"You want to...?" she asks, a little out of breath and Shiro nods again. He knows it's a big step, knows he still sometimes feels scared in the mornings when the light is strong, but he wants to do this.

No. He needs to do this.

"I'm not sure how much company I'll be," he admits with a sheepish smile, "but I want to try. If you think it's okay."

Allura looks at him and nods. Once, twice, and then she smiles. "I can talk enough for the both of us, and I still haven't told you about work today. Or we can just walk in silence, whichever you’d like."

Shiro smiles at her and shakes his head. "Talk, please." He always enjoys hearing her talk. Allura is  smart and tough, but sweet, and her voice is much like her. He thinks that he can do this if she keeps talking.

She must read something in his eyes, because she steps closer and puts a hand on his face. "I just want you to know that you don't have to do this, if you don't want to, if you're not ready. It's okay," she smiles at him, full of love and understanding, "I'm proud of you either way."

Shiro knows she is, but he wants to make her realize that he  _ is _ getting better, even if sometimes he doesn't think so himself. He wants her to know that he appreciates her.

"I'm ready," he says, and she smiles at him again before taking his arm.

She talks for half an hour straight, even if Shiro doesn't contribute much to the conversation. Her voice allows him to focus on her, and while he's still not comfortable out at night, he doesn't freak out too badly. She keeps touching him the entire time and that centers him enough that he can avoid looking in the shadows for soldiers; he can stop thinking of taking cover.

He stays by her side, and he makes it all the way to the end of Black’s walk. It's only half an hour, but it feels like the first step to something more.

 

Coran looks at him patiently while Shiro tries to organise his thoughts. He knows that he wants to talk about Keith, and he thinks that he should, but he's not exactly sure how to start.

What does one say? It feels like he's a little boy telling his parent about how he just made a new friend. However, he thinks he needs to tell Coran about Keith and his story with Red and make him understand why it affected him so much.

He and Coran have still not talked about Matt or the time he was imprisoned, and after all this time, Shiro thinks he's getting closer to actually being ready to share. He's not looking forward to it, fears it, but he knows it's necessary. The fact that he even realizes it, he thinks, is a testament of how much he has progressed.

"Allura tells me you’re in a better mood," Coran starts when it's obvious that Shiro is struggling to speak. "Is there a reason for it?"

Shiro nods, finding it easier to answer a direct question instead of just talking on his own. "Yeah. I've been getting up earlier than usual, taking Black to the park. It's nice; it makes me feel more like my old self."

Coran nods, smiling. "That is very good, I remember you telling me that physical exercise used to be part of your routine."

Shiro nods, but he knows it's not the reason why he's feeling better. "I also... I met someone there." Coran doesn't seem fazed by Shiro's admission, and he simply nods, focused on Shiro and seemingly fascinated by his story. "His name is Keith. He works at Voltron; he was one of Black's instructors. Since I didn't go to the weekly meeting, he said they were worried."

Coran doesn't reprimand him for not going, and Shiro feels like he can breathe a little easier. "The first time we met each other because I couldn't sleep, and he invited me there again," he admits, smiling. "There is this bench in the east side of the park where we sit and talk. An hour every day. I know it's not much, but..."

"Nonsense," Coran interrupts him with a smile. "It sounds like incredible news and a very good thing for you. A month ago you wouldn't have been able to go there, right?"

Shiro thinks about it for a second and then shakes his head. He had barely been able to meet with Allura for lunch, he doesn't think he would have been able to have another commitment every day with a stranger.

"See? An hour sounds very good, my boy," Coran repeats with a nod and a smile. Shiro feels a little lighter at the compliment.

"He has a dog," Shiro continues, looking back at Black, "and she helps train other dogs. But she used to be... she was used for fighting." He looks back at the other man but there is nothing but open acceptance on his therapist face. He doesn't want to admit that he was just like her, not so openly, but he thinks he can imply it enough that Coran will understand. "He helped her get better, and he says she used to be scared all the time."

Coran nods. "I'm not an expert on dog psychology, but I think it’s a very normal reaction," he assures him. "Being scared is normal; needing help to get back on your feet is normal too. This dog had help getting better, right?"

Shiro nods. Once, twice. It seems like Coran understands what Shiro isn’t saying. "Yeah. I know. I'm... I'm trying."

Coran looks at him and smiles, something soft and encouraging. "I can see it, Shiro. Everyone can. I know it's hard, but you're making progress every time we see each other, and I'm very proud."

Shiro averts his gaze, unable to stare at Coran's face any longer. Black, at his feet, is just resting, content that Shiro appears to be okay. And the fact is, that he is  _ okay _ .

Which is not fine, or good, but it's not terrible either.

"Do you think you'll go to the next weekly meeting?" Coran pushes a little, sitting back again and looking at him with an open expression.

Shiro has been thinking about it, considering the meeting is in two days time, but he still doesn't know if he's ready for it. He wants to see Hunk and Lance, if he's honest, especially after all of Keith's stories, but the other people who will be there scare him.

"I don't know," he admits. And after the good news he has just given Coran, it feels like taking a step back.

The other, however, simply nods. "Of course, you take your time. I think it could be good for you to try again. And you'll have more people that could serve as distractions. Keep you grounded if something like last time happens."

It's true. He thinks he can count on Keith and Lance to keep him company, at least he hopes so, and maybe this time there will be less crying.

Still, the only thing he can say is, "I don't know."

Coran accepts it with a smile.

  
  


The next day, Keith is a little late, and Shiro just stares at the park. The bench where they keep meeting is hard and a little uncomfortable, but it offers a good spot to observe the trees. Sometimes couples pass in front of him, or some runners, and he enjoys looking at them from afar.

Even if it's an open space, this spot has become a safe place. He doesn't feel like he has to check out every single trees when he arrives, and sometimes he even manages to forget to look behind him every minute or so.

Black always seems more relaxed the moment Shiro sits down, almost as if she can feel the way Shiro relaxes here. He doesn't mind waiting for Keith alone, the wind and the mild noises of the park a comforting background, and it feels like an accomplishment. Three days before he wouldn’t have been able to, the park had been far too vast and open, and he’s a little proud of himself.

Finally at ease, he watches Black with a smile and he tries not to focus too much on how rare this feeling is. 

Shiro’s musings are interrupted by a voice in the distance. “I’m sorry,” he hears, and when he looks up, he sees Keith, who is not dressed in his usual running attire, jogging towards him. "My alarm didn't ring. And I was late and..."

Shiro observes him for a second: Keith looks flustered and a little panicked, still panting a little, and the fact that he’s not dressed in his usual running clothes makes it obvious that only reason Keith is here is to talk to Shiro. It makes something warm ignite in his chest, and he can’t help but be flattered that Keith ran to their meeting point.

"It's all right, you could have slept in. It's fine," he still reassures him, trying to hide the simple pleasure of realizing Keith  _ really _ enjoyed his company. They’ve gotten closer these past few days, but he’s glad for the reassurance.

"I don't have your number," Keith explains, shrugging. "I didn't want you to wait and think something happened to me. We're... I mean I think we're friends." 

Keith loses confidence by the end of the phrase. It’s a strange look on him, when up until this point he has been awkward but always resolute in his exchanges with Shiro. At the same time, Shiro doesn’t hide the surprise in his face very well.

It’s not like he  _ doesn’t _ think of Keith as his friend, it’s just that hearing it out loud is strange. Shiro has never been someone who gives his friendship easily, too focused on his work and his dreams to have more than a series of acquaintances. His trauma has only made him even  _ more _ reserved. Still, it seems he has made a friend, and the idea leaves him feeling giddy. 

The silence stretches out between them, toying the line between awkward and social disaster, so Shiro hurries to take his cell phone from his pocket and hands it to the other. “We could exchange numbers if you want,” he proposes, grateful for his ability to hide his nervousness. “It would make meeting each other easier.”

Keith looks surprised, but he takes Shiro's cellphone eagerly, putting his number in and then calling it; the moment he feels his cellphone vibrate, he gives Shiro’s cell phone back to him. Through all of this, Keith’s face remains stuck in a mix of surprise and confusion, and Shiro thinks back on some of the things they have talked about these past few days.

Maybe some of Keith’s surprise stems from his own insecurities. Shiro wonders if not many people are willing to stick around after the initial bad impression. They just skim the surface, judge Keith by the first meeting, and don’t bother to look deeper. Maybe Keith’s confusion is as much Keith’s fault as his. 

They are friends, Shiro thinks, and enjoys the warmth that the thought brings to him. He might not be able to leave his house alone when it’s dark, but he’s just made a friend.

Keith sits down beside him, and for a moment, they just enjoy the silence. The awkwardness is gone, replaced by some sort of serenity. Shiro thinks they might both be contemplating what just happened with a little incredulity.

The moment passes, and Keith smiles, recounting the most recent of Lance’s stories. It’s familiar, and it brings a smile to Shiro’s lips. He thinks about Coran's words and Keith’s easy acceptance. He thinks that maybe he's ready to take some risks, that maybe he  _ should _ . The walk with Allura the other night went fine, and it made him feel more in control of himself and his mind. 

Shiro hears Keith talking but he isn’t able to focus. He feels a little lighter, almost as if just making the decision has freed him from a cage of his own making: He will go to the next meeting, he tells himself, repeats it like a mantra and a promise.

"I want to go this week," he says, and Keith stops mid sentence. He looks at Shiro, a little surprised, probably confused at the sudden change of topic, but Shiro just smiles at him. 

"To the meeting at Voltron,” he clarifies, hoping to ease the confusion in the other’s eyes. “There is one tomorrow, right?" 

Keith nods, but he doesn’t look as happy as Shiro though he would. He looks nervous, but mostly he’s watching Shiro as if he’s trying to figure him out, find the missing piece that will allow him to finally solve the puzzle that is Shiro’s mind. 

"You know you don't have to, right?" Keith asks in the end. It reminds him of Allura, ever so gently trying to respect his boundaries, trying to see if maybe she had pushed too much or too hard. "Lance and Hunk would be happy to see you but..."

Shiro stops him with a shake of his head. "I think I need to," he says, as honest as he can be. "If I keep hiding, nothing is going to change, right? I need to get better. I need to be able to face some things."   
  
Keith will not understand, he knows, but he thinks of Pidge, who hasn't called in a few days, probably warned off by Allura. He needs to be able to see her, to tell her that it's all right, and he's not angry with her. He was only ever angry at himself.

Shiro needs to get better not for himself but for the people around him.That is the only motivation that will make him move forward. If he needs to do it for Pidge, for Allura, then he can’t just stop. He has to move forward.

Keith seems unsure, like he wants to push, say something, but doesn't know if it would be welcomed. It's unusual to see him hesitate so much. Keith settles for saying " "Okay then, everyone will be happy. And if you need anything, I'll be there. I'm not as good as Lance or Hunk at deflecting attention, but I scare people, so they usually stay away."

That makes Shiro laugh, the image of Keith scaring people with his mere presence and angry look. It’s a fun image. But, Shiro is starting to notice, Keith is never actually angry. Maybe he’s sometimes lost in thought, or a little closed off, but he's so gentle with Red—in the way he handles her, in the way he pets her—and he has been gentle with Shiro too—tentative, careful, but still determined. It's a little sad that there aren't more people that see this side of Keith.

"Thank you," he says, meaning every word of it.

Keith just shrugs, almost as if to say that it's really not a big deal, but Shiro has been getting better at noticing what Keith doesn't want people to see. He's happy about Shiro's words, happy that Shiro has made this decision.

Shiro wants to smile and tell him that it's all thanks to him, that Shiro is making this decision because he thinks he can do it if Keith is there for him.

Shiro stops before he actually says it. He doesn’t think he’s ready, and a part of him thinks that Keith might not be ready as well, especially after the moment of surprise when Keith had called them friends. He promises to himself that he will do it one day. That he will tell Keith everything he's feeling today and thank him in the right way.

Shiro hopes that day can come soon.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always a comment or a kudos go a long way <3 (Who knows maybe I'll even update BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Wouldn't that be absurd!)
> 
> Thank you and you can find me @  
> chiapslock on twitter  
> chiapslock on tumblr

**Author's Note:**

> Remember, comments and kudos make me work faster! (no, not really, I just like them ;O;")


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